**EDIT, this post was made in the afternoon
Well, it seems that when things start out as going up; sooner or later things begin to go down. Happy about somethings, not so happy about others. So I got straight As this quarter. Rock on! I can check that off of things to do from my new years resolution. Im really happy about other things too; things that cant be spoken.
But it seems that there are more things that are bringing be down than bringing me up. That house that I was supposed to move into since last year doesnt seem to be happening anytime soon. Im stuck. I dont know where to go. Maybe I should just sleep in the car… whatever. And then that whole family thing. Like I said, it SUCKS. Always bringing me down. Always. I dont seem to be very close to my siblings or my parents. I guess two siblings are bound to be more closer than another. Thats how it works I guess. And so I stayed with my Mom while she went to work at Sherman Oaks. I thought it would be cool; bounding time you know? For some reason it felt awkward for me. Im sure my brother and sister could do it anytime without a problem. I should feel happy when I see my family, I should feel relieved; but lately for some reason it just feels awkward. And then they dont understand how much work I do. All I do is work hard to impress them and all they could do is ask me to work harder because things arent always going to be easy for me. First, things are NEVER easy for me. Second, how could I do more work? Ive worked already so hard as it is and I barely have the energy to drive. I cant sleep. Theres no time for that! And Im in uncomfortable conditions when I do have time! So I have to work harder? Get a job? Is it that hard for them to see that Im working hard? So Im not getting money out of it; doesnt mean that Im not working hard. I cant stand it sometimes. I guess thats why Ive been getting annoyed lately. Because they dont understand how much Im working and they expect me to do more.
Things are going ok for me right now. Not the best. Just ok. I have only one place where Im relieved and relaxed and excited to go to. And even there Im the only one messing up. But thats my only source of happiness right now; and its the most important thing that I have. The thing that I love the most. I hope I stop messing up. But I know it will always be there; no matter what. Lets hope that things pick up within the next couple of weeks. Ill try to work harder.
Buttercups and Potato Chips.
Updated. Newer. Fresher. Better. Stronger. Juicier. Smarter. Greater. HEARTer.
Wow, so I know that Im way behind with posting blogs. Its just that Ive been so busy with everything lately that I havent had the time to place everything down! Well, a lot has happened these past couple of months since December.
School Started! Im hoping for that 4.0. I dont think that Im going to get a 4.0, but I am hoping for straight As because Ill be happy with that too. Things are going ok with that goal right now. I have As for sure in three out of five classes. Lets hope that things pick up in the end!
Barkada is freaking crazy right now. Its taking over my life and is taking over me. I have so many things do with the club right now that I hardly have any time to think! I know that there are some other board members who are just as much, if not, more stressed than me right now. All I can do is continue working and hope that things turn out fine in the end! Things are going ok with it, more and more things just keep coming up though. Everything will be fine in the end hopfully.
Friends and family are going well. Im spending more time with friends than family which may or may not be a good thing. I mean, Im having fun, but than again Im losing more time with family. Im hardly home on the weekends and come home really late during the weekdays. Im moving in to my new townhouse soon, Im sure that it is going to be a great experience! I got to hang out with the inner circle a few days ago. There are several parties that weve gone to with each other. But yes, friends are going pretty well as of now.
Anyways, Im not going to go in depth with everything that Ive been doing these past weeks, just know that I am UNBELIEVABLY happy right now. Things could not be better than how they are now! Hopefully they will stay that way. Ill try to keep you guys updated on my life, but right now, Ive got some thing s to do. Lets see if I will be able to update this later!
Dear Readers,
This may in fact be my last blog of the year. Im just going to have a small recap of what has happened this year of 2006 and my thoughts of it.
It was my first year of college. It was great. It was fun. It was stressful. It was sad. It was happy. It was crushes. It was heartbreaks. It was cultural. It was Barkada. It was religious. It was faithful. It was experiences. It was new. It was old. It was Incredibles. It was Inner Circles. It was love. It was hate. It was reminiscent. It was missing. It was forward. It was backward. It was APITG. It was poetry. It was spoken word. It was nervousness. It was relaxation. It was comforting. It was emo. It was no meat. It was no myspace. It was all myspace. It was musical. It was wishful. It was full of sleep. It was absolutely no sleep. It was all nighters. It was BNP. It was commuting. It was awkward. It was athletic. It was lazy. It was repetitious. It was performances. It was fake. It was true. It was PCN. It was guilty. It was disappointment. It was proud. It was dance. It was E-Board. It was Banquet. It was soul searching. It was philosophical. It was enlightening. It was retreat. It was prom three. It was expressive. It was withdrawals. It was rewarding. It was beach trips. It was about counsel. It was about nominations. It was about freshmen. It was about dress. It was about pointless arguments. It was caught in the middle. It was priorities. It was optimism. It was pessimism. It was volleyball. It was sportsfest. It was family. It was lessons. It was summer. It was no time. It was trust. It was awesome. It was complicated. It was simple. It was hopeless. It was birthdays. It was coincidences. It was serendipity. It was Tagalog. It was buzzing. It was drunkards. It was knockouts. It was quitting. It was starting. It was ending. It was friendship. It was winning. It was sinning. It was losing. It was Ading. It was clubbing. It was snowboarding. It was chilling. It was hiding. It was finding. It was sexy. It was ugly. It was Mah Jongg. It was karma. It was Vegas. It was workful. It was free. It was changing. It was staying the same. It was Die Hard. It was interesting. It was parties. It was love...
... it was love.
I thought that this year was awesome. I kind of made this blog extremely fast because I dont feel like putting everything down because it would take a long time. Whatever. If you are really interested in my life, you would have read up to this point now eh? This year, by far, has most definitely been one of the best years of my life. Its really shell breaking, social, and extreme. I like it. I love it. Ill never forget it. Heads up for the new year! Its not over. Ive still got my secret santa to do tomorrow and new years eve is coming up! There will be many surprises as well.
Resolution: I have six goals this year: To get back in shape, get a 4.0 at least in one quarter, become more musically experienced, *heart heart*, get a job or internship, and one last one that will be a secret[as well as the most difficult and important one].
I just wanted to say that my New Years Resolution came true. =) IF you can remember what it was. This was most definitely a great first year of college and a great beginning for my second year of college. I know Ive still got plenty of time to recap on what has happened this year, in fact, my next blog is probably only going to be on reminiscing about what has happened this year.
Anyways, just to jot down what has happened in this past week, I got to hang out with the inner circle. YES! We went ice skating and it was A LOT of fun. I recorded other people falling and I broke other peoples chains just for fun. My vacation is SO chill, Im getting a lot of rest and relaxation and it feels great! Though something is missing...
I reformatted my computer and its VERY FAST now. I got all the classes I need and Im shooting for the 4.0. YES! I really want it after I did horrible this quarter. I need to raise my overall GPA. But right now school is being very nice to me as Im very fortunate to have gained those classes that were full.
I still have a lot of plans until school starts. We still have our usual traditions coming up like Secret Santa and looking for the best Christmas lights. I got invited to Christals birthday party this Saturday, Ill see if I can go... Its Sammys birthday in approximately fifteen minutes. Were planning to go snowboarding and more. Greta and I really have to hang out sometime soon since we hardly get to hang out at all. I got to hang out with the Incredibles for a little bit when they were over. Dont worry, Ive been doing at least one SMALL thing a day. Usually it just involves going over Karlas house for FIVE minutes or just doing some errands. Not to mention all the things that were doing with the family. Were planning to officially get a townhouse/apartment/condo on the 27th and the move in time will probably be a month or so. This year is coming to an end quickly. This year is definitely a good one, but I anticipate an even better one next year =) Ill let you know of my new years resolution for 2007 in my next blog.
I am now happy. I am now comforted. I am now great. I am now good. I am now relaxed... I am now HAPPY.
SCHOOL IS OVER!!
... I am also scared, but you know, I did get FIFTEEN hours rest; Go figure!
School isnt the only thing either =)
Story:
I pulled an all nighter last week on Thursday night. No sleep there. On Friday was the Christmas Party at the PR house; that lasted late but I went home early; still, I stayed up late packing and yet again got no sleep since I had to wake up really early. Ski trip was this whole weekend so obviously on both days, I had no sleep.
The funny part is when I slept Monday night, my Dad called me and said WAKE UP JARED! Youve been sleeping all day! And I got MAD because there was no sun out and when I checked the clock it was 5:00 and shouted back saying DAD! Its 5:00 in the morning!! And my Dad responded by shouting JARED! Its 5:00 in the AFTERNOON! And I was just thinking Oh my God... I cant believe that I slept for 15 hours. Ive never done that before; and even more embarassing for the whole entire day of Dec 12th, I didnt see any sun at all. Its like, where did the day go?
[sigh]
I truly am a horrible person to cause such harm to so many people...
... and karma seems to attack me...
[possibly more details later]
[begin second post of the day]
2nd post of the day:
WORD to this song.
Just listen...
[already in love]
[passion]
[lyrics]
eh...
[let me know if Im wasting my time]
[end second post of the day]
Ew. I am getting fat. Its kind of ugly... Could it be the drinking?
This leads to my next point; after so many nights of drinking [pretty much once or twice a week of drinking for the past seven weeks] I am going to take a break; no more drinking until ski trip. I had a horrible hangover before my debate which was stupid. In fact, I shouldnt even be drinking at all. It seems that all my blogs are about drinking recently... Its really bad. But what can I do?
Anyways, lets talk about another thing. I finally got to spend the weekend with my family in Vegas! It was a lot of fun. I got some new clothes and we saw a magic show with Lance Burton. I have a new trick up my sleeve now. As for school, I really give up on this quarter; it was more of a test quarter to see if I could handle board along with school. Obviously, it is not working out so I need to get a little lighter on school. This could be another reason why I am switching majors [all majors are hard though]. I cant wait to start my classes in CIS. I think that I am really going to enjoy doing them. Unfortunately for next quarter, none of the classes will be in CIS but rather for the business major [since CIS is under the college of business]. It felt good to hang out with my family all weekend. All we did was walk around every mall in Vegas [ughh...] but I still had an overall great time.
Now that the weekend is over, I have to get back to work. Back to school, back to stressing, and back to Barkada. Can I tell you something? I really miss my
I had a great weekend. I had so much fun and relaxation and great times with Barkada. I guess you can say that school is still stressing me out like crazy; I cant stand all the work and reading that all my classes give me. They expect the class to do so much as if we dont have any other classes. Well, my last quarter of a Biotechnology major is almost over, so I have to continue working hard and look forward.
First night was the Kuya/Ate/Ading Chuck E Cheese Night. It was the day after our last volleyball game of the Fall Quarter. I definitely enjoyed this event. One of the better times to bond with my Ading. He drank a little bit that night, but it was all good, we still managed to play a lot of games and take a lot of pictures. It was as if I was a kid again playing on all the games and winning tickets. There are definitely going to be more games and times like these in the future; Im very fortunate to have the Ading that I have now.
Our next event happened right after Chuck E Cheese Night. It was our first Bowl4GK event that was made to help with the poverty in the Philippines. Im sure it turned out great, board made a team and we ended up making it to the second round of the brackets. I bowled my highest game of my life this weekend; I got a 164 and a Turkey. It was awesome.
Though Bowl4GK was fun, everybody was more excited to go crazy in Vegas. To put it short, we basically had a crazy time with Vegas and drinking. Im pretty sure I know my limits, I still havent thrown up yet which is good. Drinking isnt good, but I think its inevitable that I am enjoying it now... Anyways, before I begin feeling sorry for all these things, I met Dante Basco; hes Rufio. It was cool; Ana was playing poker right next to him. Other than that, I bonded with my Ading; which is probably why I really enjoyed this trip. For Die Hard nights, we do this thing where we brush each others teeth... I swore I was never going to be taken down by this, but they got me this weekend. All the guys ganged up on my and put peanut butter all over my face, up my nose, and stuck a banana in my mouth. Its all good fun though.
We had a lot of bonding conversations; some were interesting, or better yet, most of them were interesting. Some of them I already knew and some I didnt. Other than that, I just got reminded of the past of probably my only regret. I cant stop thinking about it. But thats the way life goes, and I just have to keep pushing and pushing to get through it all. Crazy thing about this weekend is that I saw two shooting stars outside of Victorville, so I made two wishes; both were the same. God knows; lets hope my prayers and wishes come true. It gives me hope.
Im a weakling, liar, and hypocrite...
I swore I was NOT going to change my major...
... that being said kids; Im changing my major. BOOOOOO!
I got tired and couldnt take it anymore. Looking into switching from Biotechnology to Computer Science OR Computer Information Systems. I like computers; not people [haha just kidding about that part].
Oh what a week what a week...
... so much has happened in a week! Im getting tired of writing lesson blogs rather than things that actually happened.
Anyways, besides that, heres a basic breakdown of all that has happened this week. I think Ill start with the SPUF Halloween party at Kyleens house. I will say that I had a lot of fun that night; though there are some things that I cant even remember about it. I was gagging that night; too much to drink I guess... well, remember how I said that I said some so called minor things that bothered me at Lumpia Night? Well, I guess it wasnt as small as I thought... I kind of broke down that night. Hello Emo. Toilet hugger. I do sort of regret that night, but then again I sort of dont as well. I feel more relieved that I got those issues out for people to know, and I also got to bond with my Ading; like hella bond. Rhea was there to comfort me as well. I never thought that I would break down in public... it just happened.
The usual came around during the week; practice, volleyball, workshops, and meetings. School is very stressful right now, Im having a difficult time concentrating from lack of sleep. Thursday night I drank again before and during Speedzone; I think I made a fool of myself. It was all good fun though; I do think that I need to settle down for real. Once again, I bonded with my Ading and got to chill with the Guys. Die Hard style. If you cant tell, Im really glad that I got Mark as my Ading. God knows hes probably reading this right now (Hey Ads). Things are looking good for the future.
If there is one thing that is bothering me a lot though is that I am missing my inners like crazy. I cant stand it. Im happy to be home this weekend, though I am missing a lot of Barkada events. Im glad to be home to be able to hang out with my family and chill with the Incredibles, Inners, and all of my friends that I miss. Sunday will have to be a study day though.
That is what is bothering me, but my drinking is making me really scared... Im officially a social drinker. And I have been identified as a talkative drinker; I cant stop talking when I drink. I really do think that I need to settle down. Four times in this past three weeks I drank; one of them going a bit over the top. Theres even a party next week... not with Barkada but with the Inners, its going to be Graces birthday.
Im losing Faith; its so bad. It is bothering me the most every night. Im sure Ive said it before, but I do pray every night. When I do pray, all I do is say sorry for not doing the right thing. After saying it so much I dont even know if I mean it or not... I know the path to get on the right track once again, its just waiting for me to jump on. I need a push.
I want you to know, if youve read this far readers, that though I do have all these concerns in my mind, overall, I am very happy. Im happy with the friends Ive made, the bonds Ive made, and the family Ive made. Im very content with how things are. The issues stated before are exactly what they are, issues. Those things bring me down; however, there are just too many things that are keeping me up.
So lets see, were like half way into school now since my last blog that was over a month ago...
Anyways, this time Ill just write about things that have been going on then maybe a little lesson or question that Ill contemplate on in the end.
The first four or five weeks of school were massive stressful, I could hardly handle myself. Too much going on with family, school, friends, Barkada, and all of that. I havent been going to church lately which is bringing me down hard. I got to go last week and it felt great except that I begin feeling so guilty that Im letting so many people down...
Anyways, beside that point, commuting is hurting me physically and emotionally. Eh, so much driving is getting me so tired, I hardly sleep anymore. I really thought that I was going to be able to get a townhouse in Pomona soon; but things arent going as good as I thought. Its totally fine, but there are just some things that made me realize that I may not be at the same level as some of my loved ones. I just dont want to make it too obvious with what I was saying...
... Even worse, I drank. TWICE this week. How bad is that? Im not the kind of person to do something like that at all, I guess there are too many things bothering me and Ive been needing some relaxation... I ended up talking about all my problems putting burdens on those who were listening. God, I hate when that happens, I hate talking about my crap. Im sure I could handle things on my own; so I didnt say a lot, just some minor things that are bothering me.
On a happier note, we have been working on this event called friendship games that happened on Oct 21rst. Of the thirty two schools that went, our very own BARKADA won the SPUF trophy. As a whole the entire club has been working hard on creating the props and the huge jail cell. It was amazing. I lost my voice now and its really hard for me to talk, I want to go karaoke now.
Cool two, we also started volleyball again! Finally, a great way to release stress since I cant really practice martial arts anymore... I lost some of my skills but Im sure it will slowly come back to me.
Cool three, I got an Ading. How tight is that? I adopted him after my volleyball game. We ended up drinking and going to a club that night with Barkada. Dont worry kids, Ive never been drunk, just buzzed. Not that its a good thing though... Only on special occasions I guess or I need to relieve some stress. Anyways, hes a cool ading, I think hes better at me at everything. Shoot, I won winter formal prince; he was King. Better than me at Guitar Hero, probably better than me at Piano also. I dont know about Mah Jongg yet, but well see how that goes. Poster making, yeah hes ten times better than me. Its kind of weird, Ive never had a younger brother, I dont know how to treat him. My younger sister, I just be crazy over protective, but a bro? Well, Im proud to have an ading now; its going to be fun.
Anyways dear reader, please do not bother talking to me about my blogs, cause I notice that when I post them up talking about me at a personal level rather than as questions, I get bombarded with questions from everybody. No discussing this, after all its supposed to be somewhat of an online journal.
Ive got a lot of homework due tonight so I have to get crackin on it, stay safe kids, and stay fresh.
Sigh, shes pretty... To be continued...
SINO!?
A birthday wish. I dont know what I want for my birthday, in fact Im pretty sure that there isnt anything material that I could want. But after some thought, an obvious answer came to what I want for my birthday...
...
... it sounds kind of hopeless and sounds kind of pathetic. But its what I want. Maybe I know already, maybe I dont. Either way, please stop playing, stop making me jealous, unless something is going to start; though I know there is nothing. If not that, then at least Im praying and wishing for something new. Im ready for something new, or even something old.
Its all too simple, and its the simple things in my life that I appreciate most; but everything is so complicated.
... Hintayin mo ako...
Sorry if worded incorrectly.
Ran out of time. I know Ive probably made a blog or two about time and how we dont have a lot of it; but here is another one. Time is very limited and short; for those who have extra time on their hands, you are very fortunate. Sometimes when you find time to have fun, others seem to run out of it. Thats how I feel now. I found a small glimpse of time to hang out with my good ol buddies, but now theyve started school. Time is precious and try to use every second that youve got. Try to make it so that you dont have extra time and that you would make time if somebody needs it. You know what I mean? Ive come to the conclusion that stress is the opposite of time. If you have time, you dont have stress; however, the less time you get the more stress you get. I say deal with the stress so that youve utilized your time doing something productive. The main point of this right now is that make sure that you make time. Make time for some friends and family and sacrifice from other things. I had to give up time from the carwash and spend time with the family and friends. Spread out the time you have and put most of it into your priorities.
Make time for those who need it but spend time with those who deserve it...
Trust issues. Many people have trouble trusting people because of how they were brought up to be; such as myself. People feel that its best that they put up a front or act how people want them to act just for the factor that it would make other people feel better. I know thats how Ive always felt. Change is a hard thing as well as trusting people especially if you dont want people worrying about you. The thing is, in order to move on, you must trust people. I for one have to begin trusting more people, my friends. Ive only really trusted a selected few individuals who mean the world to me. But that will soon change.
Know that the people who want you to trust them really care for you and would feel much better knowing than not. Even if youve done something that hurts the other people, if they really want you to trust them, than what you tell them wont worsen your relationship with them, it would only make it better. You believe that you are creating a bond by putting up a front; in reality you are only creating a fake relationship. True friendship, true love, and true relationships need trust, support, and truthfulness. Otherwise, there is no point.
As a personal note, I would like to apologize to everybody that think they know me that Im sorry for putting up a front and being the way that would most likely fit your needs. Know that I am beginning to trust more people and that Im going to allow more people to know of my faults and errors. I am human. Speaking to God is one way great way to solve your problems; but there are times when I need more of a concrete counsel. God will always be my first solution; however, there will be more times when I could count on new trusted friends for advice.
Get ready to know me, the real me.
So I heard this really cool song by Gabe Bondoc. Its called Stronger Than. I cant seem to stop listening to it. To me this is what it means:
Basically, youll never know when it hits you; at least when you find her. Or maybe you already know her, you just keep denying your feelings. Youre what ifs and what nots are not going to impress her. Dont deny how you feel and just accept it. If you like a person then face the truth, you like that person whether you are already seeing somebody or that person is already seeing somebody. You cant deny it. If that person you like is not feeling the exact way you feel if not better than you do for her than she does for him, then she deserves better. She deservers better; she deserves you. Switch it around now. If you are already seeing somebody, if you dont have the same feelings if not better feelings than the way you feel for her than you feel for the one youre seeing, then you deserve better, you deserve her. Unfortunately, in situations like these, you have a decision to make. Somebodys heart is going to have to be broken; yours, hers, or his. This is how I feel to an extent. The words of the chorus keep ringing through my mind:
I swear Im stronger than these emotions, but theyre taking over me
Just remember what you deserve, if not what you deserve, remember what she deserves. If you honestly believe she deserves better or if you honestly believe that you deserve better, then she deserves you and you deserve her.
Forms of expression. Ive been really emotional on the inside lately. Nobody knows as usual. This very small form of depression is taking its toll on me. Im getting chubby. Thats just one of the few things... but not anymore. Forms of expression have come to me. Pick up from where you left off. Its one thing to bottle up feelings, emotions, and love; but its another story when you deny it. Forms of expression. Im getting back to my expressions. Still, people wont know of my issues, but Im letting things out personally. Let my anger flow within my workouts, turn that fat into muscle! Most of all, I wrote a few things a while back, and they were so sad... so it made me feel worse on the inside. But I have a new idea for a song. Its a bit more uplifting and resolving. And it makes me feel good on the inside because it is in fact how I feel about many things. Its called Even If. Basically, its a story for all the nice guys that would do anything for somebody they love even if they don't love them back. Sad? No. Hes okay with it and hes saying even if you dont love me, Ill walk with you by and by... Like all my deep inner thoughts, youll probably never hear of it. Maybe Ill post the lyrics later... Forms of expression; let it out.
Oh God, thanks for helping me out once again, I could only wish that I could help you the same way, but nothing I could do could ever repay the amount of love and sacrifice you have given me... and I still go against your word regretful and sorrowful every time. When will I learn? When will I learn...
You know, it doesnt matter if the day was bad or if the day was good, as long as the day was spent. Washington DC was alright, I mean it was a good use of my time. The weather was horrible and even though we all felt horrible throughout the whole day, it felt great to spend some time with the family. I just have to say that spending time with family is one of the many things that I dont get to do as often as I want to do anymore. Makes you wish you could have done more in the past.
Apparently my Lolo had financial problems and had to sell their house that I was staying in. Ill have to commute to Cal Poly everyday which is going to be very hard. Im sure Ill be able to handle all the driving to a certain extent. Theres going to be a point when Im going to crack! Im looking for an apartment to stay at; more preferably at a friends place. Im not sure what Im going to do, all I know is that hopefully things will turn out good in the end. Ill keep praying!
I really miss my friends. I havent been able to hang around them as much as I want to because Im stuck doing a lot of work. Summer school is over and my summer has officially started yet I dont have a lot of time to celebrate with my friends. I need to find time, I need to make time. A reunion is desperately needed right now because its literally been months since the last time I hung out with some of them. I just want to be with the inner circle, nobody else.
God, take these feelings away, they never were meant to be. Or were they? Just take it away please, every time I look; it breaks me. One day, Ill have my own... one day.
