Test of the Academics Chair

It's that time of the year when the true potential of the Academics Chair shines. With "so much to do with so little time" just how am I going to handle everything? Here is a small gist of the things that I need to plan, coordinate, host, help, or accomplish at least by the end of February starting with the so-called "simple everyday" activities:

1. 16 Units of Upper Division Business Classes
2. 20 - 25 Hours of Work a week
3. Study Sessions: Monday - Thursday two hours a day
4. Academics Month: Workshops every Tuesday and Thursday
5. In charge of fundraising and philanthropy for February
6. Kuya/Ate Program: 2nd Grouping and Pairing
7. Family Program: Ice Skating
8. Barkada Family Reunion: New event created by me to bring back Barkada Alumni
9. Alumni Banquet: Yearly event to celebrate the Alumni and give thanks
10. Pilipino Graduation: As president, I still have tons to do with committees, the MCC budget request, MCC meetings, the admin fund, the website, deadlines, appointments, interviews, etc. It's an entire separate club on it's own with so many duties to be done
11. Study Nights: Finals Week
12. Graduation: Staying on top of my courses to graduate on time
13. Sportsfest: LARGEST Pilipino Sports Tournament in the United States, though I am not in charge of this event, I'll be playing a big role with helping out our Sports Chair as much as I can
14. PACN: The major night of the year that most members remember Barkada for; once again, I am not in charge of this event, but I will be trying my best to help out as much as I can

And this is yet still a SMALL gist of things that need to be done. I'm not even including the meetings, planning, promotion, and the fact that I'm still in the moving process switching locations.

I don't think you can completely comprehend how much work this is unless you're actually doing the planning.

Lord help me, but I can guarantee you, I will be an Academics Chair to be remembered. I'm doing something great, not only for myself, but for the members. I'm already so very pleased with what I've done with the Family Program and Kuya/Ate Program; so far every pair loves their counterpart. The members chose me because they believed that I can do it; and I believe that I could. I'm doing something new, I'm doing something amazing, and I'm doing something great for this organization. I'm still amazed to this day how many people have come to up to me and asked, "Jared, I need some academic help, can you help me?" as well as "Jared, I LOVE MY KUYA/ATE/ADING! Great job!"

... But on the real, I LOVE being Academics Chair; there are only a select few individuals who can really do it. And for those who have done it, you should know exactly what point I am in right now and hopefully agree with me completely.

Currently feeding on motivation to keep me going... along with coffee.

Pause, Rewind, Fastforward, Play, Repeat

PAUSE

Here we are at the end of 2008; tears, laughter, happiness, anger, dispair, love, h8... change is in progress as we move out of the old ways and into a new era. Change has always been in progress; no year has ever been the same. Much has left to be done in the United States as we focus on making every individual equal in some form or another.

Stop, look, and listen: My own personal battles continue to this day and will continue into the new year. Battle for love, battle for equality, battle for rights, battle for knowledge, battle for money, battle for happiness, battle for dreams, and battle for life. I'm still searching for love, America in many ways has found equality and in many others has not, rights are still yet to be given, I'm continuing my education as I work towards my degree, money is always a constant struggle, and like many others I'm still trying to live the dream of my pursuit of happiness.

REWIND

Looking back, a lot has happened this year and I've gained a lot of experience. If I were to label this year with one word, I'd label it as a year of repair. At the end of 2007, I hit rock bottom with love, life, and happiness. I lost love, I didn't want to live, and happiness seemed so far away. Loneliness was all around me and I felt a huge depression by myself. It has taken a lot of courage, pride, and determination to get where I am today; happier than ever. I've gotten over my heartache, I'm walking a new road and I'm content whether it's by myself or with others, I've gained new friends and a new family, and I have plenty of supporters. I've climbed back up. There's another side of me that others have experienced as my true self continues to bring light and insight into my own self as well as those around me.

FASTFORWARD

Looking into 2009, I hope more dreams come true. I hope to grow more as an individual as well as a partner. I hope to fight for more rights other than those that affect me. I hope to help someone everyday. I hope to trust more. I hope to save a life. I hope to live my life. And as ironic as it may sound, I hope that some of my goals and dreams are not met and that I do have hardships and struggles. I don't hope to reach all of my goals.

Stability is something that supposedly everybody soughts for. I'm not looking for stability though I am looking for equality. A fine line of distinction rests between these two. I'll say once more, I am not looking for stability. I always want to be fighting for something, I always want to working for a goal, I always want to be helping somebody, and I always want to know that in some way or another I can help; stability takes all of that away. Yes, I am fighting for equality; I wish for everybody to be equal. Stability, in that sense, I am looking for. Stability as in I have nothing worth fighting for or working towards, I do not wish to have. There's always something to fight for...

I want to be written down in history...

PLAY AND REPEAT

Let's press play now as we begin this new year. Let 2009 be the end of 200h8 discrimin8ion and 8igotry, the marker for change, and the beginning of the rise above intolerance and inequality. let's not repeat as that will only end in defeat and defiance.

Let's change this world, let's save lives, and let's make a difference. Walk with me.

Own Medicine

I'll be fine. Thanks for giving me a taste of my own medicine:

I'm more likely to catch you, put you on your feet, brush the dirt off your clothes, tie your shoes, tell you to watch your step, and send you on your way while I'll go mine...

After my previous blog, I think I've answered my own question; I'm sure that the way I handle these type of situations is the right way. With the help that you gave, it'll be that much easier to get out of this loophole.

It's just one of those cases where we know it's right, but it just can't happen. We both knew that "we" just weren't possible (trust me, I knew it and I know you did too), but it was just more difficult for me to give up. Thanks, you're bigger and stronger than me; you're a good person. We'll be travelling the world in opposite directions soon (figuratively and literally), so until next time, "cheers!"

I'll send you off now; I'm not going to battle it out anymore.

A Goal, A Dream, A Nightmare

How disappointing, I've had the same new year's resolution for two years now that I've put off. Actually, it's more like a goal; a goal that I still haven't met.

I'm too much of a coward; I don't thing I have enough courage to reach my goal. The longer I prolong it, the further away I feel I stray from my family. I'm more afraid of the risk; I have no idea what the outcome could be like.

Is it my dream? Or is it my nightmare? I'm too weak; I don't want my resolution of two years to be the same for next year...

... but I still have five days.

I hope that day comes before next year.

Face Plant

Falling is funny; most of the time people use the metaphor to ask, "Are you going to catch me?" In many situations, it's hit or miss, black or white, right or wrong, catch or fall, etc. It's even more frustrating for me to hear some say:

Don't fall for me, I won't catch you...

Personally, I'm not the type of guy to say something like that. If you fall for me, I'm more likely to catch you, put you on your feet, brush the dirt off your clothes, tie your shoes, tell you to watch your step, and send you on your way while I'll go mine; I've heard that I'm too nice.

I'm not sure which is more troubling: Having somebody catch you while you hold on or hitting rock bottom and see them walk away. I guess this is how they define what a "gentleman" is versus a "jerk."

Maybe this answers the life question that so many guys ask, "Why do they like jerks?" Some see relationships like ripping off band-aids: if they're hurt they rather have it quick and excruciating while others rather have it slow and more sparse out.

Going along the metaphor of "falling," I've noticed that some fall quick and hard but pop right back up; while on the other side, some hardly fall at all but when they do, it's impossible for them to stand once more. Label these two categories whichever way you want; personally I don't think that's the key point here. The important fact is that either way you fall, in the end, it hurts; it hurts a lot.

Being the over analytical person, I just wanted to break down this metaphor. I don't fall often; in fact, if I were to count how many real crushes I've had, it'd probably be only two. However, when I do fall, I don't think "falling" is the right word to describe myself...

... It's more like I trip unexpectedly, do an extremely hard face plant, slide down a cold slope thus creating a huge snowball with my body inside it, fall over cliff down hundreds of feet onto a metal ramp yet somehow breaking free of the snowball while standing, and launch myself off the into the skies helplessly waving my arms in the air until I finally hit the floor head first with my legs sticking up in the air as I sink deeper into the quicksand with my whole body broken making it impossible to move or get out... I think that's a good way to describe it.

If I could change the chemicals in my brain to fall more often, I probably would so that I wouldn't seem like the person who will "never find anybody good enough for them." Look, I love and enjoy everybody that I meet and treat them exactly how I would with anyone else; I am truly sorry if my brain can't seem to develop feelings (not saying that someone has "fallen" for me right now; this is just for future reference).

So if I do fall for somebody, I'd rather much say, "I've face planted for you."

...

... and yes, right about now, I think "I've face planted for you."

Work

Love it or hate it, just do what you gotta do... but do what you love
and love what you do.

Work now play later.
--
Sent from Jared's Awesome T-Mobile Sidekick®

Foolish Heart

I treat others exactly how I want to be treated and make sure I don't do any wrong to them that I wouldn't want to be done to me. I'll always listen, I'll always care, I'll always apologzie, I'll never ignore, I'll never turn shoulders, I won't look down on anyone, I'll won't disprespect, I'll forever find time, I'll forever laugh, I don't hate, I don't play, I'll forgive and forget, but first and foremost I will love.

I want everybody to laugh, LOVE, and live life.

I'll continue to give, and I'll continue to recieve; but who would do this for me?

... I figured if I treated others this way, you somebody else would treat me the same. I hope I'm not wrong...


Heart, please don't fall hard... or actually, please do.


...I hope you don't hurt me.

Mobile Blogging

How exciting!

Now I can post from anywhere so I don't have to wait until I get home to
post what I'm feeling.

So here is a quick test/1st mobile post.

Snow... beautiful and dangerous. Thanks for making me cry this weekend,
I thought I was gonna die being stuck in the middle of a blizzard in my
car lost on the road.

--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

Alive

Have you ever just had that feeling? That feeling of ecstasy that everything is going absolutely perfect in life? I'm feeling that right about now. Despite school and it's complications; things could not be any better for me. Or actually, they can be a lot better, but I am just happy and content with how things are running for me now.

I've never felt so ALIVE. I'm living life like no other as of this moment. I'm so happy to be running around each day with all my friends and loved ones. As this long and stressful quarter comes to end, new beginnings come into play and the past begins to close. Things are going ridiculously awesome for me and I couldn't be any more content than I am now.

In addition to this, I am feeling so unbelievably accomplished at all my tasks; recently with the help of my board, we threw the best Pilipino Thanksgiving there has been in years. I can call that my real Thanksgiving along with the few others that I went to.

You know that feeling you get when you roll down the windows in your car on a cool autumn day at an idle stop light and all the problems in the world seem to disappear for that split second as the breeze collectively grazes your face in and out of the door? Yeah, it's something like that, except it's happening for much more than a split second.

Yeah, it's something like that.

make a wish...

Lonely Thanksgiving

So it's pretty amazing what can happen in a couple of weeks; imagine so, that I'm going through a lot of life changes recently. I've been trying out new things and have started things that I probably wouldn't have ever done so before; things that I really can't say in a public blog... it's really not as bad as you guys are thinking though.

Anyways, I've been meeting both new and old friends and have started hanging around them more; I guess that's where several rumors come from. But as one of my friends said to me, "Those are just rumors, let rumors be rumors." They don't really matter as long as I'm having a good time.

So I was watching this movie the other day, one that I've never heard of but decided to watch it because the timing was right since I was waiting for one of my friends to get off work. I watched it alone, it was called, "Four Christmases." Actually I didn't finish it since I left early but I got a lot out of it. Of course, it's supposed to be a romantic comedy so it's not necessarily supposed to make you sad; but when I watched it I started to get sad. I don't really want to get into too much detail; let's just say that I felt that I could really relate to everything that was happenin in a strange sense... I also don't want to spoil it for anybody that plans on watching it.

I've also discovered something else, I've discovered an "ugly truth." I promise you, if I could write everything that I want to say or that I'm thinking then probably this entry could be a lot more interesting. Let's just say that I've finally heard from somebody else the truth that I've always thought to myself. And now I know that other people feel the same way, it's sort of sad for me. Once again, there are things that shouldn't be said. Well, on this subject matter, it's great to know that somebody else is handling an old problem of mine; that makes me EXTREMELY happy. Once again, I don't have the liberty of going into detail.

So it's Thanksgiving; this weekend is sort of bad for me. In fact, this week in general hasn't been the best week, but I'm making the most of it to keep myself happy. I'm working this entire weekend while my family is in Vegas. I just spent like half an hour at an extended family's house that I've never met before. Extremely awkward, I felt that I just came, ate their food, and left. My family is in Vegas and I couldn't go because of work. So I pretty much had the loneliest Thanksgiving ever. At least I had good food, otherwise I just would have heated up some TV dinner and called it a night. I have work tomorrow at 3AM, so let's just see how that goes.

A small entry to you guys; but if you actually knew everything that was going on in my life, then you'd understand that I've just spilled a million secrets.

Cusp Baby

So astrology is pretty interesting. I never really thought about looking in this deep with my sign; but for some reason four of my friends this week told me a lot about astrology and the zodiac. They sort of compelled me to go to astrology.com and look up my sign.

Apparently I'm born on a cusp; which means I share different characteristics of two signs; usually people are more of one sign when they're cusps but I was born right in the middle. I'm a Virgo/Libra cusp and this is what astrology.com had to say about my sign(s):

Virgo is the sixth sign of the zodiac; Libra is the seventh. Virgo/Libras strive to create balance and harmony between themselves and others. They bring their skills and talents together for the good of others. Despite their inherent modesty, those born on the Virgo/Libra cusp are industrious and efficient when working for a good cause. Objective and just, Virgo/Libras are excellent arbitrators and enjoy lots of friends.

The astrological symbol of Virgo is the Virgin; Libra is represented by the Scales. Virgo/Libras abhor unfairness and conflict, striving above all for peace, but at times they are easily deterred from their beliefs. They are able to see all sides of an argument, but as their mental scales sway back and forth, they may never find balance and can become fickle and indecisive. They are skilled at seeing all sides of a situation, which is an expression of Virgo's mutable quality. Virgo/Libras are skilled at initiating group projects. In this way, the cardinal quality of Libra is exemplified. When Virgo/Libras set goals for themselves, they are determined to succeed. This astrological combination tends to be about other people rather than personal development. They are socially inclined and charming, but their focus is about smaller-scale projects and individuals. Because of Virgo's association with individuals and health, and Libra's innate interest in others, many Virgo/Libras are drawn toward careers in medicine.

Virgo is ruled by the planet Mercury. In ancient Roman mythology, Mercury (and his Greek equivalent, Hermes) was the messenger god. He was a quick, nervous type, and he was known for his strong reasoning and ability to analyze. Communication is his province. As a planet, Mercury is androgynous. Libra is ruled by the planet Venus. In ancient Roman mythology, Venus (and her Greek equivalent, Aphrodite) was the goddess of love, beauty and pleasure. She represented joy, happiness and appreciation of beautiful things and people. Libra is the masculine, or day, aspect of Venus; Taurus is the feminine, or night aspect.

Virgo/Librans are happiest when they're in a relationship. They are seductive and attractive, and their cultural awareness and talkative nature help them shine in the social situations they so enjoy. They tend to explore subjects deeply and are very good at understanding the deeper meaning of what others say. Many Virgo/Libras have an excellent head for business, relying on logic rather than ego or emotion to make their deals. They are reliable, practical, diligent, controlled and rational.

The element associated with Virgo is Earth. The element associated with Libra is Air. Virgo/Libras tend to respond to the world with intellect and by examining the worth of each possible response. Their intellectual orientation to the world around them makes them skilled at communication and abstract reasoning, and their intelligence combines with their interest in others to become an intellectual exploration of the people around them.

Because of their responsibility and attention to detail, those born on the Virgo/Libra cusp tend to be perfectionists. They may worry about small details, but this is often necessary when attempting to be as fair and diplomatic as possible. They are team workers, skilled at cooperative action, but they can also be self-doubting. Open-minded and always polite, they have a strong sense of loyalty because of their ability to put themselves into the shoes of others. Virgo/Libras love to debate but not to quarrel; a fine distinction that is nonetheless very important. They are kind and considerate, and they rarely display anger. Instead, they may employ subtle means of getting even when their strong sense of fairness and legality, or their refined sensitivities, are violated.

They tend to be somewhat health-conscious, which ensures they take good care of themselves and their loved ones. In their leisure time, Virgo/Libras often turn their interest in health into an exercise or fitness program. However, they have a definite lazy streak, preferring to read and go out with friends. Exercise generally appeals to them only if it is effective and allows socializing at the same time. Some have a particular affinity for activities that let them get out in nature, such as hiking and horseback riding.

In love relationships, Virgo/Libras are playful, romantic and devoted. The great strength of the Virgo/Libra-born is in their attention to detail and their desire to be of service. They pick up on the little things that most others miss. Their drive for peace and harmony and their ability to obtain balance and cooperation from a disparate group is unparalleled. Their skill at seeing all sides of a situation makes them one of the most just characters of the zodiac.

Now I'm not saying that it's true but I'm not ruling out the idea that it sort of describes me. I'm not saying that horoscopes completely explain your personality or how you are; but I will say that it's interesting to read something like this and think to yourself, "hey, I do sort of act like that."

I'm not sure, but I like how they describe my sign, it's quite flattering if you ask me. If you think this is how I act, I would say that's pretty awesome. I'm a catch, one of a kind, rare sign. I guess if you want an idea of what I like then you should definitely consider the points made here. Here are some highlights that I most definitely agree with:

• Despite their inherent modesty, those born on the Virgo/Libra cusp are industrious and efficient when working for a good cause [I want to work for a non-profit org for some type of cause]
  
• Virgo/Librans are happiest when they're in a relationship [oh yes I am]
  
• Their drive for peace and harmony and their ability to obtain balance and cooperation from a disparate group is unparalleled [All the world needs is peace, love, and happiness
  

Anyways, I actually enjoyed reading this; I hope you understand me that much more.

Coffee Dates

I remember reading this years ago; I stumbled upon it again and thought about it after going out on a couple of casual dates:

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The
pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes".

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things in life. Your God, your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions: things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.

The sand is everything else: the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

This story is amazing; I've read it over and over again over the past couple of years and never get tired of it.

If you can't tell from my previous posts, my life has been hectic, crazy, and ridiculously busy. But recently, I've made certain that I leave some time aside or make time to catch up with old friends and relax over a coffee date.

Even when times get rough, even when times are hard, and even when times are limited; there's always time for a small coffee date. I've been catching up with several of my friends despite all my scheduled meetings, gatherings, and study sessions; even for just half an hour in a day. It's been comforting to see familiar faces again.

With my recent lifestyle change, I actually plan to become closer friends with some of them; people that I've found to enjoy spending time with. Some friends are from way back in high school and some are people that I just met; all I know is that I enjoy hanging around with them.

I'll always try my best to make time; especially for these new and old friends of mine. This story reminds me of one of my interview questions for Starbucks:

"What is your favorite thing about coffee?"

My response: "It gives you a reason to go on a date."

Dear Mr. Dentist

All I wanted was my filling filled in because now I can't smile without feeling ugly. I stepped into your office at my exact appointment time which was 9AM and I didn't get seated into the dentist chair until 9:45AM. As I sat there waiting, you told me you'd be right back to check out my teeth... About 45 minutes later sitting on that chair [I fell asleep a couple of times if I may add in] you finally came in to check my teeth.

I said, "Mr. Dentist, all I want is a filling so that I can smile again" while frowning. Unfortunately, all you could say is that I needed to have my teeth cleaned before he can evaluate my filling. So with another addition of $30, I had my teeth cleaned.

I came back to the dentist and said, "Mr. Dentist, all I want is a filling so that I can smile again" while frowning. Unfortunately, all you could say is that I need to have a deep cleaning to get the "deep" tartar out. I did not understand because I thought that my teeth were already white, but I figured if it has to be done, let it be done. Even the receptionist said, "oh wow, you have such white teeth!" I was redirected to the consultation office but I had to wait a long time again. After learning that it would cost $100 more, I refused and went back to the dentist.

So I said again, "Mr. Dentist, all I want is a filling so that I can smile again" while frowning. Unfortunately, all you said was that you recommended that I get lumineers because it would look great on me. I was redirected to the consultation office again after waiting a long time. There I learned that it would have cost thousands of dollars. Besides, why would I want "acrylic nails" on my teeth? So I refused.

So once again I said, "Mr. Denist, all I want is a filling so that I can smile again" while frowning. Unfortunately all you said was that, "I don't have time, please reschedule with my secretary."

So I rescheduled for later on this week for Thursday despite the fact that I have plans on Saturday where I am now going to have an ugly smile.

So I left while frowning, still missing a filling in my teeth from your office which is now 12:00PM. So thus I stayed for 3 hours to get my already clean teeth cleaned.

Dear Mr. Dentist, you are mean. My teeth are still white; you just want the money that I don't have.

I'm still going to smile though despite the missing filling, just thought I'd let you know.

- Your Client: Jared Falcis

Mission Accomplished

I am sorry, this is going to be a very quick post; I just wanted to say to myself, "mission accomplished."

Tonight was my first big event for Barkada as Academics Chair; which was the Kuya/Ate/Ading Chuck E Cheese night. And after all the hard work, it most definitely is a great feeling of achievement knowing that I did a job well done with planning, executing, and pairing up the families.

So many people came up to me tonight saying, "thank you Jared for giving me my Kuya/Ate/Ading."

I know it was a short blog, but I figured that I'd recognize myself for doing an awesome job tonight. Accomplishment to me is absolutely one of the most powerful feelings to experience and enjoy.

Deep Talks

Hopefully I will be able to write a complete and well thought out blog now despite the fact that I am under the influence.

Under the influence of what? Alcohol? Sure... but I am influenced by so much than just alcohol, I am under the influence of beers and deep talks. It was just one of those nights where I just had to sit down with some friends and talk about the problems and issues going on not only in just my life, but about society in general.

The hot topic of the night: Proposition 8. Yes, if you haven't heard now, this proposition has passed. Same-Sex marriage is no longer legalized in California as well as other states in America. If you've done your research, you would know the arguments on both sides and their reasons for voting yes or no.

I think that we just wanted to discuss the LGBT community in general. It most definitely is a struggle, it really is. The hardest part in any gay man's/woman's life is the coming out process and feeling "accepted" among not only loved ones but the society as a whole. The passage of 8 has only made it harder for many individuals to make it through this process or even start it. Speaking from a Filipino family perspective [as I am Filipino], most of the older generation of Filipino's automatically apply the negative connotations of the term "Bakla" to the LGBT community. Most Filipino parents don't necessarily understand what "gay" is compared to "Bakla." I guess it's understandable as they really aren't informed about what the differences are.

But in all seriousness, the "YES" on Prop 8 ads made the queer community feel like they aren't humans, that they aren't "equal" to the rest of society. It disguisted me to find that ads were using children to "protect" the sanctity of marriage. So my only question is, "So, you don't want to teach your kids about the LGBT community? You don't believe that your children should learn about that community?

Well, there will always be a difference of opinion so I shouldn't even really be arguing.

On a lighter not my "hope" for "change" has been enlightened and I am so exicted for this year's elections. Hopefully he can talk to the talk as well.

I'm meeting all my old acquaintanaces again and I'm really happy to hear from some of them. This year has many ups and down coming up. All as I ask that you guys support me for whatever is going to happen. Personally, I feel like the LGBT has been silenced after so much struggle to be heard. It's such a small percentage of the population that the vast majority is already uncomfortable with; so how does everybody get involved and support something that not only doesn't affect them, but also makes them feel uncomfortable? It's something that needs to continue to be fought for; I do believe that one day the LGBT community will be seen as equals rather than a group of individuals that must be treated differenty.

In my personal life, things have been looking up since I've de-pledged. Personal life is picking up, school is catching up, things are getting done, I'm hearing from friends again, and things that I thought I've given up on have given me hope for the future. You made my gloomy day not so gloomy; thank you so much.

Happy Again

I thought that I could take on the world and carry it on my shoulders; I thought that I could put so much on my plate and finish it all.

It takes a lot to realize when you can and can't do something; it takes a lot to know when to say no and when to give up. I've learned to say no to somethings and to give up on somethings.

My plate is lighter and now I know I can take care of myself and my duties... I gave up on pledging.

Pledging wasn't the only thing I gave up on. I gave up on you and what I had hoped we could become. It's ok though; I'm still happy and I finally learned that you are happy as well. I hope we can eventually hang out again together as friends; and who knows what could happen in the future.

On a side note, I am unbelievably stoked for this weekend; yay for a 4 day trip in SAN FRANCISCO. Who knows what "La forza dell'amor" can bring me.

... I'm just fortunate to be able to love myself and take care of myself again.

A Simple Moment of Weakness

That's all it was; my previous posts.

I finally had a couple of hours to sit back, reflect, and contemplate about all that's been happening.

All the people I'm helping, everything that I'm accomplishing, and all the lives that I'm making a difference in is absolutely the greatest feeling in the world. Just knowing that I'm a positive force in many people's lives is an awesome emotion.

I say thank you to everybody that I've helped and I say thank you for giving me a purpose.

I only felt unhappy because I felt unaccomplished, but recovering and reaching a goal has most definitely made me happy.

Gravity

I'm losing my passions. Whether it comes to school, friends, family, clubs, work, love... life.

Just looking back at it all, I was so excited to start school with it being my last year of college. I wanted to do everything; and I am. I'm so overwhelmed with everything that the things that I used to love are becoming the things that I despise. Everything is so demanding that I hardly have time for myself. I am genuinely sorry about my last post; I was being emotional and I'm beginning to put the blame on other things when the reason lies within myself.

Friends and family are complete other stories. Coming back home and listening to all the things that I've done wrong, all the things that I need to finish, and how much I'm neglecting to spend time with everybody depresses me; and I just think that there's nothing that I can do.

Money and job issues are killing me. I've gotten so many hours that it takes up all the time in my day. I was so excited to start working for Starbucks and I still am; but the time constraints are so over bearing. In addition to this, I honestly feel that I'm not getting anything out of it. All of my paychecks have been going to my old debt on my credit card and I haven't had extra money to spend in months. So I feel like I'm working for nothing.

With all the stresses from school, work, and family I figure that my release from it all would be my extra activities. How ironic is it that in that area, most of my stress and aggression lies. What can I do...

Love, relationships, crushes, flings, whatever you want to call it all; all of those things made me happy too. Lately with all the times I've been let down it's something that I'm beginning to lose faith in. Even when somebody who is a genuinely good person enters my life, I don't even bother trying to call anymore because I figure even if something were to happen, I'd only be hurting them because I wouldn't be able to commit a lot of time with them... regardless if I have strong feelings for them or not and they reciprocate it back.

"Why do you give so much time to those that aren't important in your life and neglect to give any time to those that really matter?"

I don't know... I honestly don't.

Lord help me.

Losing It

Every day I get more and more upset about you. You are not the same as you were before... But you know, people do change.

If you're happier now with the who you are more power to you. I personally think that you were more awe inspiring and ridiculously charismatic about your passions before your change in course. Coming from an insider's and an outsider's point of perspective, you're not building upon the foundations that were laid before you but rather trying to cover up the past with irrelevant gestures.

But like I said, if you're happier now with the way you are, more power to you. As much as I enjoy your presence every single time or what I'd like to be every single time; you are most definitely not the same.

I liked you better when you cared more about others than yourself... I felt I was able to make a connection with you and that you understood me at a personal level as in to why I do the things I do. I guess I'm still fighting to save the world; maybe you just need time to save yourself...

I don't know if I'm just saying that to give you the benefit of the doubt; but sometimes it hurts me look at you and not know if you're just putting up a front to save face.

Hate to be so cliche but, "I miss who you were, not who you've become."

I'll say it again, I liked it better when you wanted to help the world; but now all it seems like is that you want to help yourself. =/

An Outdated Letter

To You:

You deserve better; so much better than what you had before. He doesn't realize what he had or what he lost and he can't see or appreciate all the things that you've done for him. Don't let him bring you down when you have so much going for you; don't let him hold you back from getting what you want. No, he doesn't see it at all, but I hope you do realize that you most definitely are a masterpiece. At least, I see your full potential.

As for myself, I don't know what I'm doing. Whether I should stop or keep trying. Most of the time I don't even know if I'm helping you out or making things worse. You know they say that opportunities only come once in a lifetime; and I feel that you are most definitely one of my once in a lifetimes. I'm not quite ready to give up so easily. I mean how can I give up after all that has happened? It's weird, usually I'd be able to just get over something like this; but we shared so many connections and similarities that attachment just came so quickly. And we did things that only existed in my imaginations, dreams, and ridiculous hopeless romatic scenes in my mind.

There are times, however, when I do feel like I should give up as much as I don't want to. I guess it's only natural that I feel that way sometimes. I can only go so long with one way communcation without reciprocation. I asked you to tell me if I'm doing something wrong, but I haven't heard a reply yet; so does that mean I'm doing something right? Don't tell me to stop for my own personal benefit because you think you're holding me back or to not worry about you; I'm doing this for you because I want to.

I can't let this go, I don't want to let this go. I want to help you smile because you deserve it. I'll always remember what you told me I deserve...

"You know Jared, I was thinking about it, and well, I want to take you around the world. You know how you can't take just anybody when travelling? Well, I want to take you; you deserve it."

Like I said, I don't know if I should stop trying or to just give up; but if there's one thing that I'm going to continue holding on to, it's hope. Hope that one day, that someday, things will be right.

From: Me