Late Night Convos

Jared, its a little unfair.  I really think you should reconsider your own feelings before putting others in front of you... for as long as Ive known you, youve been doing this and I dunno... sometimes I cant believe and I dont understand why you do the things you do for them.  You give up your own hopes to bring light to others... why?  If it makes you feel this way... why?

It was a conversation something like that.  Maybe not word for word, but it was something like that.  Truth is, I dont know why I do that.  I cant seem to be able to do something that I want to do if it causes harm to somebody else regardless of my feelings.  Its not peer pressure because I have a strong resistance to some things.  But I try, I really do, I go after my own passions but if I see that it hurts somebody else Ill give up cause it just doesnt feel right.  I want to be able to be a [        ], I want to be able to [       ], I want [       ], but I refuse to allow myself to even if I can get what I want... why?  (Ive left those blank because I dont know what to place in there except in some cases I do know but shall remain in secret...)  Cause in almost every case, it bothers somebody else, and I CANT STAND that.  Guilt hurts me just as much as disappointment whether its from my family, my friends, or even my so called enemies.

Its all about YOU Jared, its all ABOUT YOU and nobody else...

Yet another conversation with another friend.  I thought that I could grasp that concept.  He asked me what is the one thing that you want? It took me a long time to answer... and I gave whatever came up at the top of my mind, I said that I wanted to go to Heaven when my life is over... I want my golden ticket.  Thats what I want in the end... but I didnt know what I wanted right now... and to tell you the truth, I still dont.  And theres just no way it could be all about me... cause how could I expect to leave an impression on everybody if its all about me?  If its all about me, where does everybody else fit in?  I dunno... I want to go after my own dreams, but sometimes I just have to give it all up... cause I will always believe that its all about you and NEVER about me...  Im too selfish.  Im sorry bro, I dont think that I can ever truly grasp that concept of yours...