Happy Again

I thought that I could take on the world and carry it on my shoulders; I thought that I could put so much on my plate and finish it all.

It takes a lot to realize when you can and can't do something; it takes a lot to know when to say no and when to give up. I've learned to say no to somethings and to give up on somethings.

My plate is lighter and now I know I can take care of myself and my duties... I gave up on pledging.

Pledging wasn't the only thing I gave up on. I gave up on you and what I had hoped we could become. It's ok though; I'm still happy and I finally learned that you are happy as well. I hope we can eventually hang out again together as friends; and who knows what could happen in the future.

On a side note, I am unbelievably stoked for this weekend; yay for a 4 day trip in SAN FRANCISCO. Who knows what "La forza dell'amor" can bring me.

... I'm just fortunate to be able to love myself and take care of myself again.

A Simple Moment of Weakness

That's all it was; my previous posts.

I finally had a couple of hours to sit back, reflect, and contemplate about all that's been happening.

All the people I'm helping, everything that I'm accomplishing, and all the lives that I'm making a difference in is absolutely the greatest feeling in the world. Just knowing that I'm a positive force in many people's lives is an awesome emotion.

I say thank you to everybody that I've helped and I say thank you for giving me a purpose.

I only felt unhappy because I felt unaccomplished, but recovering and reaching a goal has most definitely made me happy.

Gravity

I'm losing my passions. Whether it comes to school, friends, family, clubs, work, love... life.

Just looking back at it all, I was so excited to start school with it being my last year of college. I wanted to do everything; and I am. I'm so overwhelmed with everything that the things that I used to love are becoming the things that I despise. Everything is so demanding that I hardly have time for myself. I am genuinely sorry about my last post; I was being emotional and I'm beginning to put the blame on other things when the reason lies within myself.

Friends and family are complete other stories. Coming back home and listening to all the things that I've done wrong, all the things that I need to finish, and how much I'm neglecting to spend time with everybody depresses me; and I just think that there's nothing that I can do.

Money and job issues are killing me. I've gotten so many hours that it takes up all the time in my day. I was so excited to start working for Starbucks and I still am; but the time constraints are so over bearing. In addition to this, I honestly feel that I'm not getting anything out of it. All of my paychecks have been going to my old debt on my credit card and I haven't had extra money to spend in months. So I feel like I'm working for nothing.

With all the stresses from school, work, and family I figure that my release from it all would be my extra activities. How ironic is it that in that area, most of my stress and aggression lies. What can I do...

Love, relationships, crushes, flings, whatever you want to call it all; all of those things made me happy too. Lately with all the times I've been let down it's something that I'm beginning to lose faith in. Even when somebody who is a genuinely good person enters my life, I don't even bother trying to call anymore because I figure even if something were to happen, I'd only be hurting them because I wouldn't be able to commit a lot of time with them... regardless if I have strong feelings for them or not and they reciprocate it back.

"Why do you give so much time to those that aren't important in your life and neglect to give any time to those that really matter?"

I don't know... I honestly don't.

Lord help me.

Losing It

Every day I get more and more upset about you. You are not the same as you were before... But you know, people do change.

If you're happier now with the who you are more power to you. I personally think that you were more awe inspiring and ridiculously charismatic about your passions before your change in course. Coming from an insider's and an outsider's point of perspective, you're not building upon the foundations that were laid before you but rather trying to cover up the past with irrelevant gestures.

But like I said, if you're happier now with the way you are, more power to you. As much as I enjoy your presence every single time or what I'd like to be every single time; you are most definitely not the same.

I liked you better when you cared more about others than yourself... I felt I was able to make a connection with you and that you understood me at a personal level as in to why I do the things I do. I guess I'm still fighting to save the world; maybe you just need time to save yourself...

I don't know if I'm just saying that to give you the benefit of the doubt; but sometimes it hurts me look at you and not know if you're just putting up a front to save face.

Hate to be so cliche but, "I miss who you were, not who you've become."

I'll say it again, I liked it better when you wanted to help the world; but now all it seems like is that you want to help yourself. =/