Pause, Rewind, Fastforward, Play, Repeat

PAUSE

Here we are at the end of 2008; tears, laughter, happiness, anger, dispair, love, h8... change is in progress as we move out of the old ways and into a new era. Change has always been in progress; no year has ever been the same. Much has left to be done in the United States as we focus on making every individual equal in some form or another.

Stop, look, and listen: My own personal battles continue to this day and will continue into the new year. Battle for love, battle for equality, battle for rights, battle for knowledge, battle for money, battle for happiness, battle for dreams, and battle for life. I'm still searching for love, America in many ways has found equality and in many others has not, rights are still yet to be given, I'm continuing my education as I work towards my degree, money is always a constant struggle, and like many others I'm still trying to live the dream of my pursuit of happiness.

REWIND

Looking back, a lot has happened this year and I've gained a lot of experience. If I were to label this year with one word, I'd label it as a year of repair. At the end of 2007, I hit rock bottom with love, life, and happiness. I lost love, I didn't want to live, and happiness seemed so far away. Loneliness was all around me and I felt a huge depression by myself. It has taken a lot of courage, pride, and determination to get where I am today; happier than ever. I've gotten over my heartache, I'm walking a new road and I'm content whether it's by myself or with others, I've gained new friends and a new family, and I have plenty of supporters. I've climbed back up. There's another side of me that others have experienced as my true self continues to bring light and insight into my own self as well as those around me.

FASTFORWARD

Looking into 2009, I hope more dreams come true. I hope to grow more as an individual as well as a partner. I hope to fight for more rights other than those that affect me. I hope to help someone everyday. I hope to trust more. I hope to save a life. I hope to live my life. And as ironic as it may sound, I hope that some of my goals and dreams are not met and that I do have hardships and struggles. I don't hope to reach all of my goals.

Stability is something that supposedly everybody soughts for. I'm not looking for stability though I am looking for equality. A fine line of distinction rests between these two. I'll say once more, I am not looking for stability. I always want to be fighting for something, I always want to working for a goal, I always want to be helping somebody, and I always want to know that in some way or another I can help; stability takes all of that away. Yes, I am fighting for equality; I wish for everybody to be equal. Stability, in that sense, I am looking for. Stability as in I have nothing worth fighting for or working towards, I do not wish to have. There's always something to fight for...

I want to be written down in history...

PLAY AND REPEAT

Let's press play now as we begin this new year. Let 2009 be the end of 200h8 discrimin8ion and 8igotry, the marker for change, and the beginning of the rise above intolerance and inequality. let's not repeat as that will only end in defeat and defiance.

Let's change this world, let's save lives, and let's make a difference. Walk with me.

Own Medicine

I'll be fine. Thanks for giving me a taste of my own medicine:

I'm more likely to catch you, put you on your feet, brush the dirt off your clothes, tie your shoes, tell you to watch your step, and send you on your way while I'll go mine...

After my previous blog, I think I've answered my own question; I'm sure that the way I handle these type of situations is the right way. With the help that you gave, it'll be that much easier to get out of this loophole.

It's just one of those cases where we know it's right, but it just can't happen. We both knew that "we" just weren't possible (trust me, I knew it and I know you did too), but it was just more difficult for me to give up. Thanks, you're bigger and stronger than me; you're a good person. We'll be travelling the world in opposite directions soon (figuratively and literally), so until next time, "cheers!"

I'll send you off now; I'm not going to battle it out anymore.

A Goal, A Dream, A Nightmare

How disappointing, I've had the same new year's resolution for two years now that I've put off. Actually, it's more like a goal; a goal that I still haven't met.

I'm too much of a coward; I don't thing I have enough courage to reach my goal. The longer I prolong it, the further away I feel I stray from my family. I'm more afraid of the risk; I have no idea what the outcome could be like.

Is it my dream? Or is it my nightmare? I'm too weak; I don't want my resolution of two years to be the same for next year...

... but I still have five days.

I hope that day comes before next year.

Face Plant

Falling is funny; most of the time people use the metaphor to ask, "Are you going to catch me?" In many situations, it's hit or miss, black or white, right or wrong, catch or fall, etc. It's even more frustrating for me to hear some say:

Don't fall for me, I won't catch you...

Personally, I'm not the type of guy to say something like that. If you fall for me, I'm more likely to catch you, put you on your feet, brush the dirt off your clothes, tie your shoes, tell you to watch your step, and send you on your way while I'll go mine; I've heard that I'm too nice.

I'm not sure which is more troubling: Having somebody catch you while you hold on or hitting rock bottom and see them walk away. I guess this is how they define what a "gentleman" is versus a "jerk."

Maybe this answers the life question that so many guys ask, "Why do they like jerks?" Some see relationships like ripping off band-aids: if they're hurt they rather have it quick and excruciating while others rather have it slow and more sparse out.

Going along the metaphor of "falling," I've noticed that some fall quick and hard but pop right back up; while on the other side, some hardly fall at all but when they do, it's impossible for them to stand once more. Label these two categories whichever way you want; personally I don't think that's the key point here. The important fact is that either way you fall, in the end, it hurts; it hurts a lot.

Being the over analytical person, I just wanted to break down this metaphor. I don't fall often; in fact, if I were to count how many real crushes I've had, it'd probably be only two. However, when I do fall, I don't think "falling" is the right word to describe myself...

... It's more like I trip unexpectedly, do an extremely hard face plant, slide down a cold slope thus creating a huge snowball with my body inside it, fall over cliff down hundreds of feet onto a metal ramp yet somehow breaking free of the snowball while standing, and launch myself off the into the skies helplessly waving my arms in the air until I finally hit the floor head first with my legs sticking up in the air as I sink deeper into the quicksand with my whole body broken making it impossible to move or get out... I think that's a good way to describe it.

If I could change the chemicals in my brain to fall more often, I probably would so that I wouldn't seem like the person who will "never find anybody good enough for them." Look, I love and enjoy everybody that I meet and treat them exactly how I would with anyone else; I am truly sorry if my brain can't seem to develop feelings (not saying that someone has "fallen" for me right now; this is just for future reference).

So if I do fall for somebody, I'd rather much say, "I've face planted for you."

...

... and yes, right about now, I think "I've face planted for you."

Work

Love it or hate it, just do what you gotta do... but do what you love
and love what you do.

Work now play later.
--
Sent from Jared's Awesome T-Mobile Sidekick®

Foolish Heart

I treat others exactly how I want to be treated and make sure I don't do any wrong to them that I wouldn't want to be done to me. I'll always listen, I'll always care, I'll always apologzie, I'll never ignore, I'll never turn shoulders, I won't look down on anyone, I'll won't disprespect, I'll forever find time, I'll forever laugh, I don't hate, I don't play, I'll forgive and forget, but first and foremost I will love.

I want everybody to laugh, LOVE, and live life.

I'll continue to give, and I'll continue to recieve; but who would do this for me?

... I figured if I treated others this way, you somebody else would treat me the same. I hope I'm not wrong...


Heart, please don't fall hard... or actually, please do.


...I hope you don't hurt me.

Mobile Blogging

How exciting!

Now I can post from anywhere so I don't have to wait until I get home to
post what I'm feeling.

So here is a quick test/1st mobile post.

Snow... beautiful and dangerous. Thanks for making me cry this weekend,
I thought I was gonna die being stuck in the middle of a blizzard in my
car lost on the road.

--
Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®

Alive

Have you ever just had that feeling? That feeling of ecstasy that everything is going absolutely perfect in life? I'm feeling that right about now. Despite school and it's complications; things could not be any better for me. Or actually, they can be a lot better, but I am just happy and content with how things are running for me now.

I've never felt so ALIVE. I'm living life like no other as of this moment. I'm so happy to be running around each day with all my friends and loved ones. As this long and stressful quarter comes to end, new beginnings come into play and the past begins to close. Things are going ridiculously awesome for me and I couldn't be any more content than I am now.

In addition to this, I am feeling so unbelievably accomplished at all my tasks; recently with the help of my board, we threw the best Pilipino Thanksgiving there has been in years. I can call that my real Thanksgiving along with the few others that I went to.

You know that feeling you get when you roll down the windows in your car on a cool autumn day at an idle stop light and all the problems in the world seem to disappear for that split second as the breeze collectively grazes your face in and out of the door? Yeah, it's something like that, except it's happening for much more than a split second.

Yeah, it's something like that.

make a wish...

Lonely Thanksgiving

So it's pretty amazing what can happen in a couple of weeks; imagine so, that I'm going through a lot of life changes recently. I've been trying out new things and have started things that I probably wouldn't have ever done so before; things that I really can't say in a public blog... it's really not as bad as you guys are thinking though.

Anyways, I've been meeting both new and old friends and have started hanging around them more; I guess that's where several rumors come from. But as one of my friends said to me, "Those are just rumors, let rumors be rumors." They don't really matter as long as I'm having a good time.

So I was watching this movie the other day, one that I've never heard of but decided to watch it because the timing was right since I was waiting for one of my friends to get off work. I watched it alone, it was called, "Four Christmases." Actually I didn't finish it since I left early but I got a lot out of it. Of course, it's supposed to be a romantic comedy so it's not necessarily supposed to make you sad; but when I watched it I started to get sad. I don't really want to get into too much detail; let's just say that I felt that I could really relate to everything that was happenin in a strange sense... I also don't want to spoil it for anybody that plans on watching it.

I've also discovered something else, I've discovered an "ugly truth." I promise you, if I could write everything that I want to say or that I'm thinking then probably this entry could be a lot more interesting. Let's just say that I've finally heard from somebody else the truth that I've always thought to myself. And now I know that other people feel the same way, it's sort of sad for me. Once again, there are things that shouldn't be said. Well, on this subject matter, it's great to know that somebody else is handling an old problem of mine; that makes me EXTREMELY happy. Once again, I don't have the liberty of going into detail.

So it's Thanksgiving; this weekend is sort of bad for me. In fact, this week in general hasn't been the best week, but I'm making the most of it to keep myself happy. I'm working this entire weekend while my family is in Vegas. I just spent like half an hour at an extended family's house that I've never met before. Extremely awkward, I felt that I just came, ate their food, and left. My family is in Vegas and I couldn't go because of work. So I pretty much had the loneliest Thanksgiving ever. At least I had good food, otherwise I just would have heated up some TV dinner and called it a night. I have work tomorrow at 3AM, so let's just see how that goes.

A small entry to you guys; but if you actually knew everything that was going on in my life, then you'd understand that I've just spilled a million secrets.

Cusp Baby

So astrology is pretty interesting. I never really thought about looking in this deep with my sign; but for some reason four of my friends this week told me a lot about astrology and the zodiac. They sort of compelled me to go to astrology.com and look up my sign.

Apparently I'm born on a cusp; which means I share different characteristics of two signs; usually people are more of one sign when they're cusps but I was born right in the middle. I'm a Virgo/Libra cusp and this is what astrology.com had to say about my sign(s):

Virgo is the sixth sign of the zodiac; Libra is the seventh. Virgo/Libras strive to create balance and harmony between themselves and others. They bring their skills and talents together for the good of others. Despite their inherent modesty, those born on the Virgo/Libra cusp are industrious and efficient when working for a good cause. Objective and just, Virgo/Libras are excellent arbitrators and enjoy lots of friends.

The astrological symbol of Virgo is the Virgin; Libra is represented by the Scales. Virgo/Libras abhor unfairness and conflict, striving above all for peace, but at times they are easily deterred from their beliefs. They are able to see all sides of an argument, but as their mental scales sway back and forth, they may never find balance and can become fickle and indecisive. They are skilled at seeing all sides of a situation, which is an expression of Virgo's mutable quality. Virgo/Libras are skilled at initiating group projects. In this way, the cardinal quality of Libra is exemplified. When Virgo/Libras set goals for themselves, they are determined to succeed. This astrological combination tends to be about other people rather than personal development. They are socially inclined and charming, but their focus is about smaller-scale projects and individuals. Because of Virgo's association with individuals and health, and Libra's innate interest in others, many Virgo/Libras are drawn toward careers in medicine.

Virgo is ruled by the planet Mercury. In ancient Roman mythology, Mercury (and his Greek equivalent, Hermes) was the messenger god. He was a quick, nervous type, and he was known for his strong reasoning and ability to analyze. Communication is his province. As a planet, Mercury is androgynous. Libra is ruled by the planet Venus. In ancient Roman mythology, Venus (and her Greek equivalent, Aphrodite) was the goddess of love, beauty and pleasure. She represented joy, happiness and appreciation of beautiful things and people. Libra is the masculine, or day, aspect of Venus; Taurus is the feminine, or night aspect.

Virgo/Librans are happiest when they're in a relationship. They are seductive and attractive, and their cultural awareness and talkative nature help them shine in the social situations they so enjoy. They tend to explore subjects deeply and are very good at understanding the deeper meaning of what others say. Many Virgo/Libras have an excellent head for business, relying on logic rather than ego or emotion to make their deals. They are reliable, practical, diligent, controlled and rational.

The element associated with Virgo is Earth. The element associated with Libra is Air. Virgo/Libras tend to respond to the world with intellect and by examining the worth of each possible response. Their intellectual orientation to the world around them makes them skilled at communication and abstract reasoning, and their intelligence combines with their interest in others to become an intellectual exploration of the people around them.

Because of their responsibility and attention to detail, those born on the Virgo/Libra cusp tend to be perfectionists. They may worry about small details, but this is often necessary when attempting to be as fair and diplomatic as possible. They are team workers, skilled at cooperative action, but they can also be self-doubting. Open-minded and always polite, they have a strong sense of loyalty because of their ability to put themselves into the shoes of others. Virgo/Libras love to debate but not to quarrel; a fine distinction that is nonetheless very important. They are kind and considerate, and they rarely display anger. Instead, they may employ subtle means of getting even when their strong sense of fairness and legality, or their refined sensitivities, are violated.

They tend to be somewhat health-conscious, which ensures they take good care of themselves and their loved ones. In their leisure time, Virgo/Libras often turn their interest in health into an exercise or fitness program. However, they have a definite lazy streak, preferring to read and go out with friends. Exercise generally appeals to them only if it is effective and allows socializing at the same time. Some have a particular affinity for activities that let them get out in nature, such as hiking and horseback riding.

In love relationships, Virgo/Libras are playful, romantic and devoted. The great strength of the Virgo/Libra-born is in their attention to detail and their desire to be of service. They pick up on the little things that most others miss. Their drive for peace and harmony and their ability to obtain balance and cooperation from a disparate group is unparalleled. Their skill at seeing all sides of a situation makes them one of the most just characters of the zodiac.

Now I'm not saying that it's true but I'm not ruling out the idea that it sort of describes me. I'm not saying that horoscopes completely explain your personality or how you are; but I will say that it's interesting to read something like this and think to yourself, "hey, I do sort of act like that."

I'm not sure, but I like how they describe my sign, it's quite flattering if you ask me. If you think this is how I act, I would say that's pretty awesome. I'm a catch, one of a kind, rare sign. I guess if you want an idea of what I like then you should definitely consider the points made here. Here are some highlights that I most definitely agree with:

• Despite their inherent modesty, those born on the Virgo/Libra cusp are industrious and efficient when working for a good cause [I want to work for a non-profit org for some type of cause]
  
• Virgo/Librans are happiest when they're in a relationship [oh yes I am]
  
• Their drive for peace and harmony and their ability to obtain balance and cooperation from a disparate group is unparalleled [All the world needs is peace, love, and happiness
  

Anyways, I actually enjoyed reading this; I hope you understand me that much more.

Coffee Dates

I remember reading this years ago; I stumbled upon it again and thought about it after going out on a couple of casual dates:

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The
pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes".

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things in life. Your God, your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions: things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.

The sand is everything else: the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

This story is amazing; I've read it over and over again over the past couple of years and never get tired of it.

If you can't tell from my previous posts, my life has been hectic, crazy, and ridiculously busy. But recently, I've made certain that I leave some time aside or make time to catch up with old friends and relax over a coffee date.

Even when times get rough, even when times are hard, and even when times are limited; there's always time for a small coffee date. I've been catching up with several of my friends despite all my scheduled meetings, gatherings, and study sessions; even for just half an hour in a day. It's been comforting to see familiar faces again.

With my recent lifestyle change, I actually plan to become closer friends with some of them; people that I've found to enjoy spending time with. Some friends are from way back in high school and some are people that I just met; all I know is that I enjoy hanging around with them.

I'll always try my best to make time; especially for these new and old friends of mine. This story reminds me of one of my interview questions for Starbucks:

"What is your favorite thing about coffee?"

My response: "It gives you a reason to go on a date."

Dear Mr. Dentist

All I wanted was my filling filled in because now I can't smile without feeling ugly. I stepped into your office at my exact appointment time which was 9AM and I didn't get seated into the dentist chair until 9:45AM. As I sat there waiting, you told me you'd be right back to check out my teeth... About 45 minutes later sitting on that chair [I fell asleep a couple of times if I may add in] you finally came in to check my teeth.

I said, "Mr. Dentist, all I want is a filling so that I can smile again" while frowning. Unfortunately, all you could say is that I needed to have my teeth cleaned before he can evaluate my filling. So with another addition of $30, I had my teeth cleaned.

I came back to the dentist and said, "Mr. Dentist, all I want is a filling so that I can smile again" while frowning. Unfortunately, all you could say is that I need to have a deep cleaning to get the "deep" tartar out. I did not understand because I thought that my teeth were already white, but I figured if it has to be done, let it be done. Even the receptionist said, "oh wow, you have such white teeth!" I was redirected to the consultation office but I had to wait a long time again. After learning that it would cost $100 more, I refused and went back to the dentist.

So I said again, "Mr. Dentist, all I want is a filling so that I can smile again" while frowning. Unfortunately, all you said was that you recommended that I get lumineers because it would look great on me. I was redirected to the consultation office again after waiting a long time. There I learned that it would have cost thousands of dollars. Besides, why would I want "acrylic nails" on my teeth? So I refused.

So once again I said, "Mr. Denist, all I want is a filling so that I can smile again" while frowning. Unfortunately all you said was that, "I don't have time, please reschedule with my secretary."

So I rescheduled for later on this week for Thursday despite the fact that I have plans on Saturday where I am now going to have an ugly smile.

So I left while frowning, still missing a filling in my teeth from your office which is now 12:00PM. So thus I stayed for 3 hours to get my already clean teeth cleaned.

Dear Mr. Dentist, you are mean. My teeth are still white; you just want the money that I don't have.

I'm still going to smile though despite the missing filling, just thought I'd let you know.

- Your Client: Jared Falcis

Mission Accomplished

I am sorry, this is going to be a very quick post; I just wanted to say to myself, "mission accomplished."

Tonight was my first big event for Barkada as Academics Chair; which was the Kuya/Ate/Ading Chuck E Cheese night. And after all the hard work, it most definitely is a great feeling of achievement knowing that I did a job well done with planning, executing, and pairing up the families.

So many people came up to me tonight saying, "thank you Jared for giving me my Kuya/Ate/Ading."

I know it was a short blog, but I figured that I'd recognize myself for doing an awesome job tonight. Accomplishment to me is absolutely one of the most powerful feelings to experience and enjoy.

Deep Talks

Hopefully I will be able to write a complete and well thought out blog now despite the fact that I am under the influence.

Under the influence of what? Alcohol? Sure... but I am influenced by so much than just alcohol, I am under the influence of beers and deep talks. It was just one of those nights where I just had to sit down with some friends and talk about the problems and issues going on not only in just my life, but about society in general.

The hot topic of the night: Proposition 8. Yes, if you haven't heard now, this proposition has passed. Same-Sex marriage is no longer legalized in California as well as other states in America. If you've done your research, you would know the arguments on both sides and their reasons for voting yes or no.

I think that we just wanted to discuss the LGBT community in general. It most definitely is a struggle, it really is. The hardest part in any gay man's/woman's life is the coming out process and feeling "accepted" among not only loved ones but the society as a whole. The passage of 8 has only made it harder for many individuals to make it through this process or even start it. Speaking from a Filipino family perspective [as I am Filipino], most of the older generation of Filipino's automatically apply the negative connotations of the term "Bakla" to the LGBT community. Most Filipino parents don't necessarily understand what "gay" is compared to "Bakla." I guess it's understandable as they really aren't informed about what the differences are.

But in all seriousness, the "YES" on Prop 8 ads made the queer community feel like they aren't humans, that they aren't "equal" to the rest of society. It disguisted me to find that ads were using children to "protect" the sanctity of marriage. So my only question is, "So, you don't want to teach your kids about the LGBT community? You don't believe that your children should learn about that community?

Well, there will always be a difference of opinion so I shouldn't even really be arguing.

On a lighter not my "hope" for "change" has been enlightened and I am so exicted for this year's elections. Hopefully he can talk to the talk as well.

I'm meeting all my old acquaintanaces again and I'm really happy to hear from some of them. This year has many ups and down coming up. All as I ask that you guys support me for whatever is going to happen. Personally, I feel like the LGBT has been silenced after so much struggle to be heard. It's such a small percentage of the population that the vast majority is already uncomfortable with; so how does everybody get involved and support something that not only doesn't affect them, but also makes them feel uncomfortable? It's something that needs to continue to be fought for; I do believe that one day the LGBT community will be seen as equals rather than a group of individuals that must be treated differenty.

In my personal life, things have been looking up since I've de-pledged. Personal life is picking up, school is catching up, things are getting done, I'm hearing from friends again, and things that I thought I've given up on have given me hope for the future. You made my gloomy day not so gloomy; thank you so much.

Happy Again

I thought that I could take on the world and carry it on my shoulders; I thought that I could put so much on my plate and finish it all.

It takes a lot to realize when you can and can't do something; it takes a lot to know when to say no and when to give up. I've learned to say no to somethings and to give up on somethings.

My plate is lighter and now I know I can take care of myself and my duties... I gave up on pledging.

Pledging wasn't the only thing I gave up on. I gave up on you and what I had hoped we could become. It's ok though; I'm still happy and I finally learned that you are happy as well. I hope we can eventually hang out again together as friends; and who knows what could happen in the future.

On a side note, I am unbelievably stoked for this weekend; yay for a 4 day trip in SAN FRANCISCO. Who knows what "La forza dell'amor" can bring me.

... I'm just fortunate to be able to love myself and take care of myself again.

A Simple Moment of Weakness

That's all it was; my previous posts.

I finally had a couple of hours to sit back, reflect, and contemplate about all that's been happening.

All the people I'm helping, everything that I'm accomplishing, and all the lives that I'm making a difference in is absolutely the greatest feeling in the world. Just knowing that I'm a positive force in many people's lives is an awesome emotion.

I say thank you to everybody that I've helped and I say thank you for giving me a purpose.

I only felt unhappy because I felt unaccomplished, but recovering and reaching a goal has most definitely made me happy.

Gravity

I'm losing my passions. Whether it comes to school, friends, family, clubs, work, love... life.

Just looking back at it all, I was so excited to start school with it being my last year of college. I wanted to do everything; and I am. I'm so overwhelmed with everything that the things that I used to love are becoming the things that I despise. Everything is so demanding that I hardly have time for myself. I am genuinely sorry about my last post; I was being emotional and I'm beginning to put the blame on other things when the reason lies within myself.

Friends and family are complete other stories. Coming back home and listening to all the things that I've done wrong, all the things that I need to finish, and how much I'm neglecting to spend time with everybody depresses me; and I just think that there's nothing that I can do.

Money and job issues are killing me. I've gotten so many hours that it takes up all the time in my day. I was so excited to start working for Starbucks and I still am; but the time constraints are so over bearing. In addition to this, I honestly feel that I'm not getting anything out of it. All of my paychecks have been going to my old debt on my credit card and I haven't had extra money to spend in months. So I feel like I'm working for nothing.

With all the stresses from school, work, and family I figure that my release from it all would be my extra activities. How ironic is it that in that area, most of my stress and aggression lies. What can I do...

Love, relationships, crushes, flings, whatever you want to call it all; all of those things made me happy too. Lately with all the times I've been let down it's something that I'm beginning to lose faith in. Even when somebody who is a genuinely good person enters my life, I don't even bother trying to call anymore because I figure even if something were to happen, I'd only be hurting them because I wouldn't be able to commit a lot of time with them... regardless if I have strong feelings for them or not and they reciprocate it back.

"Why do you give so much time to those that aren't important in your life and neglect to give any time to those that really matter?"

I don't know... I honestly don't.

Lord help me.

Losing It

Every day I get more and more upset about you. You are not the same as you were before... But you know, people do change.

If you're happier now with the who you are more power to you. I personally think that you were more awe inspiring and ridiculously charismatic about your passions before your change in course. Coming from an insider's and an outsider's point of perspective, you're not building upon the foundations that were laid before you but rather trying to cover up the past with irrelevant gestures.

But like I said, if you're happier now with the way you are, more power to you. As much as I enjoy your presence every single time or what I'd like to be every single time; you are most definitely not the same.

I liked you better when you cared more about others than yourself... I felt I was able to make a connection with you and that you understood me at a personal level as in to why I do the things I do. I guess I'm still fighting to save the world; maybe you just need time to save yourself...

I don't know if I'm just saying that to give you the benefit of the doubt; but sometimes it hurts me look at you and not know if you're just putting up a front to save face.

Hate to be so cliche but, "I miss who you were, not who you've become."

I'll say it again, I liked it better when you wanted to help the world; but now all it seems like is that you want to help yourself. =/

An Outdated Letter

To You:

You deserve better; so much better than what you had before. He doesn't realize what he had or what he lost and he can't see or appreciate all the things that you've done for him. Don't let him bring you down when you have so much going for you; don't let him hold you back from getting what you want. No, he doesn't see it at all, but I hope you do realize that you most definitely are a masterpiece. At least, I see your full potential.

As for myself, I don't know what I'm doing. Whether I should stop or keep trying. Most of the time I don't even know if I'm helping you out or making things worse. You know they say that opportunities only come once in a lifetime; and I feel that you are most definitely one of my once in a lifetimes. I'm not quite ready to give up so easily. I mean how can I give up after all that has happened? It's weird, usually I'd be able to just get over something like this; but we shared so many connections and similarities that attachment just came so quickly. And we did things that only existed in my imaginations, dreams, and ridiculous hopeless romatic scenes in my mind.

There are times, however, when I do feel like I should give up as much as I don't want to. I guess it's only natural that I feel that way sometimes. I can only go so long with one way communcation without reciprocation. I asked you to tell me if I'm doing something wrong, but I haven't heard a reply yet; so does that mean I'm doing something right? Don't tell me to stop for my own personal benefit because you think you're holding me back or to not worry about you; I'm doing this for you because I want to.

I can't let this go, I don't want to let this go. I want to help you smile because you deserve it. I'll always remember what you told me I deserve...

"You know Jared, I was thinking about it, and well, I want to take you around the world. You know how you can't take just anybody when travelling? Well, I want to take you; you deserve it."

Like I said, I don't know if I should stop trying or to just give up; but if there's one thing that I'm going to continue holding on to, it's hope. Hope that one day, that someday, things will be right.

From: Me

Self Healing

“I’m slowly beginning to learn to love myself more and MORE every day and realizing that I am an amazing individual; that the greatest relationship I can have is with MYSELF. I don’t need somebody to make me happy, I don’t need somebody to make me sad, I don’t need somebody to tell me that life is worth living for, and I most definitely don’t need somebody to tell me that my life is dedicated for them. I’m beginning to understand my full potential and I WILL NOT put up with anybody who is reckless with my heart and those individuals who can’t appreciate MY capabilities…

… you DO NOT control my life nor my emotions; I DO, I am free.”

- Jared Falcis 9:20PM 8/26/08

Colossians 3:14 - "Above all these things, walk in love, which is the bond of perfection."

A Hard Lesson

I must apologize for always writing about love, romance, and relationships as my previous entries have been nothing but that; at the same time, I don’t regret a single entry that has been made. Why always write about love and romance? Love is everywhere, love is sought, love is lost, and love is the pain and pleasure of many people’s existence.

There are many types of relationships with many types of results; however, taken from one of my previous entries, love is ironic. To make a simple generalization, there is the wrong person at the right time, the wrong person at the wrong time, the right person at the wrong time, and the right person at the right time. This entry will discuss the right person at the wrong time.

A hard lesson learned; a hard lesson learned indeed. How do you deal with this situation when you know everything is right? Mutual feelings, mutual emotions, mutual experiences, mutual values, mutual beliefs, mutual lives… everything is amazingly perfect. A mirror of the soul, a reflection of yourself, the spitting image of your desired qualities; the nearest to perfection. You get the picture; everything internally is absolutely incredible. Externally, irony has its play at the present circumstances. Personal problems and issues create ridiculous obstacles that are impossible to overcome; lack of time, lack of priorities, lack of money, lack of individual attention, or lack of devotion. All are understandable conditions that create bars, walls, or barriers to prevent intimacy; it’s not the right time.

What do you do? You can wait or don’t wait; both have high risks to them. Waiting could be forever and that person may not be the same person as he or she was before; not waiting obviously could mean losing that person. Anyways, regardless of what you do, that person needs time and space; so give it to them. Wanting to be included is one of the most difficult anxieties to suppress, hold, and keep to yourself; but trust me when I say this, you’re only causing more damage when you try to place yourself into their lives when they simply don’t have the time.

They want you in their lives as much as you want to be included in theirs; however, help them out by not becoming another one of their worries. Help them when they need it, not when you want to. Maybe they don’t want you in their lives at the present moment because they can’t commit themselves fully to you; they have too many other priorities… and they want you to wait until they can commit to you… in the end, they’ve made their choice with you; what’s going to be yours?

This isn’t a set in stone result and don’t always count on everything happening exactly how you wish; in fact it may be just the opposite. Everything involves risk; everything. Maybe you’ll wait and find yourself in an even greater relationship than before or maybe you’ll wait only in vain. Maybe you won’t wait and find potential in another or maybe you won’t wait and lose your original potential lover… the next move is yours.

I will take that risk, I will wait… at least until I get my sweater, shorts, and heart back.

That One Other Person

Have you ever found yourself in a situation similar to this:

"Seriously, when is this finally going to be over? When is it all finally going to end? When am I going to be happy..."

"Honestly, all it takes is that one other person..."

You can fill in the blanks and comments between because if you've ever gone through a break up then you'll recognize the aforementioned situation. So this is for the broken hearted, under appreciated, taken advantaged lovers out there searching for a solution and looking for an answer:

There is another person out there and there is somebody who will truly appreciate you for your entire being; and if you don't believe so, just take a look over the city scape. I recently saw a beautiful view of Los Angeles at night with an amazing vantage point. I became so nostalgic just looking over the City of Angels thinking about the millions of people in front of me; there had to be at least one person out there who knew where I was coming from, there had to be at least one person who understood why I do things, there had to be one person; there just had to be at least one person... little did I know, that person was sitting right next to me.

Often times we look so hard we become tunnel visioned; we don't notice the people around us. We're so set on having a certain type, a certain look, a certain feel, a certain pleasure that we don't recognize the essence and significance of another person. Sometimes the person you were looking for wasn't the person you were looking for, as paradox as that sounds. I'm not saying that you may want the person you don't want, everybody should understand what they don't want in a relationship; what I'm saying is that it may be unplanned. That one other person will come into your life when you least expect it at exactly when the time is right. Expectations in another will never lead to the right time for companionship; it will never lead to the right time for love.

That one other person is absolutely amazing; the power and influence he/she will have on your character will enrapture your entire body. It's as if the past and all that you've experienced has led up to this point; that everything has happened for a reason. I'm telling you, when you discover this person you'll feel as if the earth shook the day you met. As ridiculous as it sounds, that one other person can change your perspective on life at an irregular heart beat; you'll be naturally high, theoretically fly, and emotionally tied to that one other person. You'll want to take that one other person around the world.

Don't expect that one other person to come though; that one other person always come unexpectedly. For the faint hearted, misunderstood, and unfortunate lovers, that one other person is out there feeling the exact same way as you do now. Stop looking over the city for your match made in heaven as beautiful as it may seem; that one other person is right next to you with the same view of the city, the same outlook on life, and the same search for love shining brighter than the city ever could.

Time for Change

A lot has been going through my mind lately. I haven't been posting simply because I no longer feel that I should be posting every insignificant little detail of my life. I prefer to write down the times when an "epiphany" comes to mind or something significant happens. I want to provide letters of wisdom now instead of a diary of my life. Aside from that, change has once again stepped into my life; this time it's for the better.

I hate to be so cliche, but you know they say that "the first cut is the deepest" and I've gained first hand experience from that. My "wounds" have finally healed but a scar still remains and stares at me in the mirror everyday. Not to say it's a bad thing; I believe that it constantly tells me to build upon the past. It represents experience, burns, and a past love. It has taught me to avoid repeating the same mistakes, take in and carry on what positives there were, and to change myself for the better.

----
Can I place an edit here please? Christie made it apparent to me that I sound like a cutter. I swear I'm not talking about that, and I don't do that. If you do, there is plenty of help for you and I wish you the best of luck. I'm talking about past relationships. [... geez]
----

Anyways, to say the very least, I'm glad that phase in my life is over. I'm not even sure why I'm recounting and recollecting thoughts that have been long put to memory; probably because as opportunities arise my scar begins to burn a little to serve as a reminder to keep caution. The bruises of the past makes me nervous to let myself fall again so quickly. With change in mind, I've decided to explore the possibilities of what could be by going to new places, hanging out with new people, and experiencing a new life.

A new life but the same Jared. I new way of experiencing and approaching this gift that God has given me. I've gotten the basic gist of what could be if I took that giant leap and I am genuinely excited and full heartedly glad that I'm taking these steps. I'm leaving the past behind but taking with me the burn on my chest to show everybody that I'm a force to be reckoned with. I have experience and I'm not somebody to be taken lightly despite this new environment and atmosphere. Then again, at the same time, I witness scars, burns, and tattoos of those around me showing me that they have a lot more to teach me. I'm lucky; I was able to walk again but I'm left staring at those who could barely stand anymore.

All of this is not without help. I for one am grateful for those friends, acquaintances, and possibilities that have "held my hand" to pull me through this dark tunnel. They've seen the light, experienced what I'm currently going through, and are knowledgeable of my destination. Even for those who can't exactly relate to my experience, I know some of you will be standing there at the end of the tunnel cheering me on. It's people like you that I've learned to love, cherish, and appreciate.

Anyways, my posts aren't going to be as long as my previous ones anymore. Maybe one day, for those of you who are lost, you'll understand what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. It's something that's going to happen so why wait any longer; why wait any longer for happiness...

"It takes courage to think alone, to resist alone, to stand alone - especially when the crowd seems so safe, so right" - Charles Swindoll

Anyways, so it was somewhat of a dead week. Nothing too crazy happened especially with PACN coming up soon.

I spent Monday just studying. Yeah, nothing too special there, I got a lot of work done but still had a lot to do afterwards. Just went to PACN practice afterwards. Sayaw is moving along. Tuesday was pretty much the same thing. I studied, went to class, and then went to PACN practice. I helped Mark finish his homework for CIS class. It was pretty cool, its been awhile since I worked with Java but I managed to do it successfully.

So it was midterms week. I had a midterm on Wednesday for Organizational Behavior. Not too bad, the test was actually really hard. But since I always did the reading and studied ahead of class, it wasnt too bad. This coming week I actually have a midterm for CIS class. Im really not looking forward to that. This quarter is going by unbelievably fast though. Its probably because of PACN. Im so nervous about it too. Theres a lot of work to be done at PACN, school, and work life.

It was JoJos birthday on the 25th. I had a grip of fun; its been awhile since Ive seen her and everybody. I decided to buy her a PACN ticket for her birthday. Hopefully she and all her roomies will be able to go. I felt bad though at the party. I forgot a girls name for some reason that Ive been chillen with the whole time there. She drove me to my car and I totally blanked out. Who knows why, I guess sometimes it just happens. I felt really bad though. Anyways, hopefully Ill be able to see them all again at Ultimate Brawl. I DO remember her name now though. Im going to make sure it sticks the whole time.

So my last day at Hollister was supposed to be on Friday. I went there and they didnt even need me. So I couldve stayed longer at the party and drank more. I didnt even drink that much. So now Im officially unemployed. Ah well. I was looking at an internship for Buckle and Walgreens. Buckle has already turned me down; however, there is an interest at Walgreens. So Im actually excited about it after reading a lot of reviews. The problem is that Im not sure if Ill be able to go to school at the same time. I need to go to school if I want to graduate on time; so its kind of a risk that Im not too sure if Im planning to take. Its not even for sure that Im going to get the internship.

I chilled at Calebs again this past weekend. Just played Halo and Smash. He bought two PACN tickets, so its going to be cool that hes going. A lot of my friends are planning to go actually, so hell be able to see all the Victorville people again.

Anyways, later that night after I went back to my apartment, Mark stayed the night; too tired from partying I guess. It was cool though, its always a pleasure hanging out with him. I do worry about him and school though; he already knows that.

It was also my brothers birthday this weekend. We just spent time with the family walking around Pasadena. We ended up eating at Todai; I got so stuffed. Luckily Im still working out! Afterwards we visited my Tita Dawns house to see my Grandma since she just got surgery. Its good to see that shes doing well. My cousins are getting so old. I didnt even realize that Sammy is in the fourth grade now. Im sure missing out on a lot.

So nominations are coming up in a couple of weeks. Im not sure if I want to do it yet. People have been wondering if Im going to run for president; but I really dont know if I could handle that. Itd be cool too, but Im not sure if I could handle that. I know Vinz wants to run and Rodney is thinking about it; so itd be cool if they ran. If they both ran, they I probably wouldnt cause Id know that the club would be in good hands next year. For a chair? I dont even know about that either. Theres too many things telling me no. I have to graduate. I need an internship. My parents dont want me to. So I dunno. It will all come down to the day of accept and decline. Hopefully Ill make the right choice…

So yea, nothing too crazy this week. Im not even expecting anything too crazy this next week either. At least until PACN is over.

Ever wake up in bed and say to yourself what am I doing? Thats what Im asking myself now… what am I doing? No pride. No pride at all. Lets see if I got this lesson learned…

Alright, so its been quite a week. Actually, its been quite an amazing week.

I guess we can start on Monday. Mark and Froi came over from San Diego. They wanted to go swimming but because there was a crazy party Sunday night, the management closed the pool. Well we just chilled until PACN practice. Watched Ratatouille and did some reading. PACN practice was good. My Sayaw Sa Bangko crew is getting so much better. It was the last week before they found out who gets to go on the second and third levels.

Alright so Tuesday came along. I had to get a lot done so that I had all the materials needed for the career fair on Thursday. I had to finish up a rough draft of my first resume so that I could take it to resumaniac on Wednesday. So I did and I let Erin edit it. Totally helped me out A LOT. Another crazy thing happened on Tuesday also. I GOT MY HAIR CUT. Oh no. So I thought that I was just going to clean it up so that I looked cleaner for the interviews, but when the lady finished at Supercuts I didnt like it at all. But I didnt want to tell her that because I didnt want to hurt her feelings, so I just took it and went to another Supercuts. I asked them to basically cut it short. So now I looked like how I did last year. No more hair coloring, not long anymore. HEY its a lot cleaner now so Im not really complaining. I like it. BUT I dont like how hair looks like right after a haircut, you kinda have to get used to it first. But now Im rockin those fitted hats and stuff.

So Wednesday was Resumaniac. I got my resume all edited by some professionals. Totally tore it apart. In the end though, I had a really good resume ready for the next day. I had to drop off some pay check stubs to the new apartment complex that we were moving to. So after that I went to Victoria Gardens since it was close. I just went to buy some new clothes for Thursday. I was getting all spiffy and clean for it. Well I had a quick talk with Mark at PACN practice. But more importantly, my Grandma was in surgery on Wednesday. I was sort of talking to him about that and about some rumors going around. Anyways, I just headed home after and went to bed early. I called up Karla too and decided to hang out with her Thursday night after my plans.

Career day came. It was Thursday. Well, to make a long story short, it didnt go too well. There werent any companies looking for Marketing Interns. There were a lot that were looking for graduates. So it was pretty much a failure. I couldnt find any opportunities for the next quarter. All that work not necessarily for nothing because I got some experience now. It sucks because I just quit my job for Hollister. This coming week will be my last week scheduled there. My mom was cool with it at first but she really wants me to find another job. I talked to Christie about some secrets on Thursday. That was interesting. Its ok, shes more than trustworthy. Thursday night a lot of stuff happened. My plans to chill with Jay were cancelled because he was too tired; its understandable. Dancers are quite busy. So I had back up plans to chill with Karla. Went to Irvine and basically hung out with her and some of her friends. We saw a free concert supporting the bone marrow drive. Apparently we were at the same table with the bands parents. FUNNY. We talked to the parents of a pretty big band. Anyways, I just headed to her apartment afterwards and hung out til I left. I didnt get to talk to her about some of my issues going on, but I still had a good time just chillen. It was technically still early by the time I left. It wasnt even midnight. But I was very tired. I got home and ended up calling Mark to see what I missed at practice or if anything was going on. Well what had actually ended up happening was me talking to Mark about some of the things going on in my life. We pretty much had an hour and a half long conversation. I mean, we do chill a lot, but its not that often that we had deep conversations. I dont really have the liberty to go into detail about everything since this is public; but lets just say that I got a lot of things out of my mind. I got a little emo on the phone; whatever. We talked about my problems and we talked about his problems. It was a good talk. No, it was a great talk. I felt so much better afterwards. Things are looking up. Hes a good ading.

Friday was a day. I didnt have to work so I visited my Mom, brother, and sister at Victoria Gardens. We had lunch and stuff. Walked around for a little bit but I had to head to school for PACN practice. LONGEST PRACTICE EVER. I had Sayaw Practice at 6PM and Maria Clara practice at 12PM. A SIX HOUR GAP. My God. Next week, we decided to move practice to 3PM. Thank goodness. I just found out today that Im working. Ill have to find another person to fill in for me at practice. So after practice, I had to head to Huntington Beach. All stinky and nasty. Jenny was supposed to ride with me but ended up going on her own since she had to stay in Irvine afterwards. Its all good. We hung out at Geralds apartment. VERY NICE place I must say. I met some new people and hung out with some old buddies. I watched them make blue cupcakes because I sure cant bake. I FINALLY got to hang out with Jenny after a long time. Didnt really get to talk though; she had to leave early. After she left, I hung out with Jaypeg, Dee, Jay, Justin, Gerald, Kim, and Kathy. Talk about a room full of dancers! Haha, its ok, theyre a lot of fun. We played spoons. I was already buzzing so I had a HUGE disadvantage. So after the first four or five games, I kept losing and losing. So many games. I kept drinking and drinking. Oh no… well, you know how I get when I drink a lot. I dry heaved ONCE after they all knocked out. Well, Gerald helped me. I dont throw up. I knocked out soon afterwards.

Oh Saturday. I woke up with a HANGOVER. One of those that feel like youre drunk when you wake up but youre not. It hurt so bad. I ended up being LATE for PACN practice. AND I was in such a rush that I left my hat at Geralds. Ill get it back someday for sure… So practice was ok. Everybody could tell that I was hungover. I wasnt even walking straight. So yeah, practice, what more could I say? OH we got tickets and fliers for PACN. So I was able to sell them to family and friends now. Promote like crazy because I want a lot of people to go this year! Afterwards I went back to Victorville. I chilled with the family and went to Karlas later on that night. Kurt got a new dog that bites. Its cute though. I ate Karlas desert. Shes getting a lot better at cooking. Nothing much, I just hung out. Told her about my festivities on Friday night.

So now its Sunday. Got a lot of rest in the morning. Ive just been working on homework. I went back to the apartment early. I applied for an internship at BUCKLE. Hopefully Ill get it. I spoke to Rodney and well have five benches for sure tomorrow. ALRIGHT! I helped Mark a lot on his homework for CIS class. And now Ive just been writing in this blog.

I had a great week. I hope this coming week is just as good… or even better.

Its over. Its finally over. But were not. Thank God. A fresh start. A new day. A brighter future. You are too cool.

Alright, sorry for posting the blog late, I was just really tired from last night that I wanted to knock out. SO a lot has happened this week to a certain extent.

One of the good things to know is that I am still working out and still keeping in shape. So out of all my resolutions I feel that Ive been working on that one the most. Hollister has been bugging me a lot these past couple of weeks. First off I hardly get any hours. For real. From the past three weeks Id have to say that Ive worked like twelve hours. Those twelve hours are only my assigned shifts. I have call ins on many other days but they never need me. Im just about ready to quit. During this week my managers got really mad at me because I wasnt following the Hollister look policy. I mean it was true that I wasnt, but it sort of gave me the kick that I dont even wear Hollister clothes or even try to look like it. Honestly, Im just about sure that Im going to be quitting sometime the next couple of weeks.

Something to look forward to is Calebs birthday in Vegas. I was so stoked to go and I was just about one hundred percent sure that I could go. I even said that I could, but our PACN hell weeks start so I really need to be there. PACN is really kicking me hard.

Studying has been ok. When the quarter first started I got far ahead. I kept on reading ahead and doing assignments early, but now everything is catching up to me. Im no longer ahead, Im on track. But soon I may be falling behind which isnt good. I really need to stay focused on classes because I want to graduate next year. Im even in the API studying while everybody is having a good time. Speaking of PACN practices, things are going very well. My Sayaw crew are doing relatively well and we should be finishing up within the next couple of weeks which means cleaning, cleaning, and more cleaning before the PACN.

Mark also came over again sometime this week. Im not too sure when, but he was tired from b.MOD hell week. Not surprised, theyre out until around three AM just practicing every day. Basically they were getting ready for FUSION that I really wanted to go to this year. I couldnt go because we were celebrating my Moms birthday that day. So it was Mikes and my Moms birthday this week. They both have the same birthday but we celebrated Mikes on Friday and my Moms on Sunday. It was cool; Mike had a good amount of drinks to hold a good buzz at TGIF. I chilled at his apartment with Liz, Jac, and Lonnie.

Ive started to promote PACN to all my friends. Im hoping to sell at least thirty tickets. Sounds like a lot, but actually its not even a lot compared to other people. But hey, Im hoping I have a good turnout especially with my scene. Im really excited for my scenes; I helped Vinz develop my Kawawa scene. Haha its going to be crazy; I dunno if I could cry on the spot.

I have an interesting story. So I thought that my earrings had already healed because they dont hurt at all and I could rotate them and everything without a problem. Because of that, I thought that I could buy myself some fake plugs and put them in. When I tried taking out my earrings, they started BLEEDING. OH MAN. I freaked out, cleaned it up, and put them back in. I guess I really do have to wait six weeks for them to heal. That should mean about two or three more weeks before I could change them and take them off.

Later on in the week, I went to go visit E-board at Rodneys house while they built benches. Its looking really good, Im glad that the benches are finally coming together. Now Im really excited! Anyways, we played brawl and unbelievably I BEAT ALL OF THEM. I dont own a gamecube or a Wii yet I still got them. Haha. Well, in the end it was all fun.

There was a PACN actors meeting this weekend before Riversides PACN. The actor meeting was chill; we went through the script and got a really good idea of whats in store for the second half. Its going to be so sad. But its a really well developed script that Im going to enjoy. After everybody went to Riversides PACN but I couldnt go. I went back to Victorville to chill with family. Later on that night after I watched I am Legend with the family, I went to Karlas house because she was cooking. Though I was full, she wanted me to eat what she had made. It was really good; but we just wanted to catch up with each other. Shes enjoying everything right now.

So my Moms birthday was a lot of fun. We just walked around a couple of malls even though it was BLAZING hot. Just shopped around a little until it was dinner. OH, we found a new apartment. Its a little farther, but things are looking good. We should be moving by the end of May. Its in Rancho. Ive been really thinking about it, and Ive wanted a haircut. At the same time Im afraid that its not going to turn out how I want it to be. SO Ive decided to keep growing it until after PACN and decided what to do from there. Hopefully Ill have an idea by then. I need a new job, Im going to be job searching probably after PACN.

So crazy week. This coming week is going to be just as crazy if Im right... we shall see what happens.

Humility or humiliated? Both? I dunno, too many one last times… way too many. I feel dirty about this guilty pleasure. Itll be the same even if I get off this addiction right? Hopefully… too many one last times… let go. Just. Let. Go.

Wow, so this was the first week of school. I can honestly say that a lot has happened over this week. I have a lot to talk about also. Ill try to keep this short because I have class early tomorrow at eight.

So Monday came around and I had that sudden epiphany that I need to get all my work together. Some things that came to mind included needing to graduate on time, changing majors, getting an internship, and getting all the classes done. I looked ahead to see if I could graduate on time and found that I needed to take a certain class this quarter in order to graduate in the Spring. LUCKY ME I got one of the last seats left in class. So I dropped my CIS class and finally began taking all the marketing classes that I need. I officially changed majors now and have turned in the form to the registrars office. So things are moving along well. If I get all the classes I need and pass them, then I should be able to graduate by Spring quarter. Ill have to take sixteen unit quarters in order to do so including Summer. Mark came over on Monday because he had an early class on Tuesday. I let him stay the night and we had a cool time just chilling and hanging out like the good ol Kuya Ading pair we are. I also downloaded a GRIP of songs this week. A lot of them are alternative rock bands like Fall Out Boy, PANIC, and Gym Class Heroes. Anyways, my hair is getting crazy once again, I dont know what to do with it. Im getting a lot of opinions from everybody; so like before, I am on the verge of cutting it! Im not too sure yet though, after all Ive been growing it out for awhile.

Tuesday was the first day of school. Way to go Spring quarter. My first class didnt start until ten so it wasnt too bad. JoJo came over on Tuesday and we had a great time catching up and having deep conversations. Weve both been going through some issues. I took her to In N Out since she hasnt had it since before lent. Went back to the apartment and just chilled until I had class at night. I have a night class at eight; really sucks. So I have a class at eight in the morning and eight at night. We had our first PACN practice on Tuesday of the quarter. Unfortunately I couldnt make it because I was chilling with JoJo and I had class. After I met up with them and hung out for a little but left because I had a lot of studying to do after the first day of school! Believe or not, Im trying to get ahead of the game while I still can. I had A LOT of work this week. But I am getting it all finished so its all good.

Wednesday came around. Second day of school and I had a class at eight in the morning. My classes really arent that bad this quarter though. I actually have two hybrid courses so its looking really good for me. We had our second PACN practice and I saw some new faces at our Sayaw practice. We really need to get the ball rolling because we dont have that much time left before PACN. On a good note, Sayaw practice went really well and people are picking up everything really fast. I really do hope that we get everything finished soon; we shall see!

I went to the Barkada meeting on Thursday. Nothing much, it was just the first meeting of the quarter. Basically, they talked about Sportsfest and PACN; the usual. I spoke with Christie and Mark and they both needed to borrow books from me. I let mark borrow two books and Im letting Christie borrow one book. I was going to just borrow books from friends this quarter, but I figured that my Mom would just use the money to get a tax break. Books were really expensive for me this quarter; all I got were three books. In total, it would have cost me four hundred fifty dollars, but I bought them off campus and got them for one hundred dollars cheaper. We didnt have PACN practice that night; instead there was a Sportsfest hype night. I dropped by after class but had to head back to Victorville later on. I had to help my Mom with some bank stuff the next morning.

Friday came around; it was the first day of Sportsfest. Unfortunately I missed the first day. I got to Pomona late and I had work. I was hoping to get there after but things seemed to be dead by the time I was out. Well, I wasnt about to miss the second day of Sportsfest so I went to bed early. At Sportsfest, I decided to volunteer and play volleyball. I helped at the registration booth along with other things. I was only able to play one game of volleyball [which we lost]. We had a difficult time trying to find girls to play for our team. I watched the halftime show to support b.MOD and Mark. I saw Gayle which was awesome; didnt really get to catch up because I had to leave right after the show. On my way out, I saw Jenny. She seemed really sad like she had a lot of things on her mind. We didnt get to talk and I really didnt want to throw out all the problems Ive been having lately to her. Hopefully we can hang out soon and vent out on some things. Hope things are ok with her. Like I said, I had to leave early. I went back to Victorville and spent the rest of the weekend with family.

ANYWAYS, there have been a lot of things going on in my mind lately. I cant count the number of people who have told me the same advice… just stop. I swear, its like an addiction. Rather, its like a routine. I have to stop. I will find something better and will move on to better things. I just have to build up some pride and build up some self respect; even if it disappoints some people. Case in point; these are my deepest fears; disappointment and guilt. I cant even go into detail how much I fear those. Ive always had the mentality that no matter how much something or somebody hurts me, as long as I dont fail to disappoint its ok. In this situation, its not. I will overcome it; Lord give me strength…

Well, it was good seeing you this weekend. At least youre acting nice to me now; so much nicer. Youve given me something that I deserve. That of which Im saying, I deserved better than before… thank you. I swear these feelings are killing me. Im trying to toss them away because I dont want to get hurt and I dont want to hurt you anymore. Why do I ask this question… what are we? Something? No. Probably nothing. Were going to be fine.

Oh vacation. So the saying of the week is DO SOMETHING EVERYDAY. That was our goal this week of vacation. We just wanted to make sure that we dont waste a single day doing nothing.

So I can start on Monday. Monday I had to drop my dad off at the airport so that he could fly to Boston to meet up with my mom and sister. Im sure Boston was a blast; but I got to have the house all to myself for the next couple of days! Haha. I wasnt planning on having any parties of anything of that sort. Its just a cool thought. Anyways, after I dropped off my Dad, I went straight back to Victorville to meet up with Karla, Jaclyn, and Lonnie. We just chilled at Karlas and watched the Hills and some other random shows. As long as I chill with people everyday Im technically doing something.

Tuesday was a similar day as well. I had work until night; so that kind of took up the majority of my day. When I got back to Victorville, I headed off to Nubis down Bear Valley. Its pretty crazy; its a soft serve yogurt place like Yogurtland. I was even surprised that they had mocha. I chilled with Karla, Dez, Sammy, Deej, Rainy Boy, and another guy named Mario. Anyways, it was a real chill time; we seriously just caught up on each others lives. Afterwards, a couple of us went to my house to watch a movie. Jaclyn and Lonnie met up with Me, Karla, and Dez at my house. We decided on watching a movie called ATONEMENT. I wasnt that interested; in fact, I began falling asleep in the movie. The girls liked it though. We didnt finish it because everybody was getting tired. We turned it off like three quarters into the movie. We were just going to finish it the next day.

Later on before I went to bed, I decided to check my grades. I actually did a lot better than I originally thought. I almost got straight As. But unfortunately because I missed several classes in marketing and tennis, I got lower grades. I got B plusses for both classes. So, not bad for an extremely hard quarter.

The next day was the PACN teaser video shooting. I couldnt make it again. I feel bad cause I think they really needed me for the shooting. Its alright, Ill just try to make it up as we start practices. Later on, Karla and I finished watching Atonement. Like I said before, theres really not too much I could say about it for myself. We decided to just chill later after we get some rest. Dez came over and watched Boondoc Saints with us. I will admit thats a good movie. I havent seen it in years but its well balanced in seriousness and comedy.

Thursday night was out last night to chill with all the Victorville people. So I had dinner with my brother, Jaclyn, Karla, and Lonnie. We ate at Red Robin, found the picture that was supposed to be hanging upside down, got beer, and headed back to my place again. We were just watching Americas Best Dance crew and hanging out. It was a good way to end my week of vacation.

ALRIGHT, so the next couple of days would be our camping trip for Jowees birthday. It was A LOT of fun to me. There were a couple of things that we did get in trouble for; primarily the noise complaints. Well theres not that much we can do; Barkada is a loud group in general. Anyways, I took a nap and found that the other family left. They probably got really annoyed of us. Honestly, I cant say too much about camping either. Joy and I were the main suppliers of tents, tarts, chairs, and light. I had a nice personal conversation with Pat. Yeah, I dont have any complaints about this past weekend. I felt bad though because I had no reception so I couldnt make or receive any calls. I know Mark sent me a text but it was already too late for him to stay over after practice.

Before we left San Diego, we ate out. Leo ordered this challenge of a dozen egg omelet. It was a lot of fun edging Leo on and motivating him; but in the end Leo was getting dizzy from all the egg yolks. So after we ate we all just headed back to Jowees to drop of stuff. I got everything I needed and Jowee paid for half a tank of my gas.

Yeah so theres really not a lot I could say about this weekend but still had a great time. I was looking over the classes I need to take by the end of next year. If the class I need is not offered over summer, then Im stuck having to stay another year. Just on one class. Im really scared because I was really counting on graduating on time. Well all I could do is hope for a miracle. Anyways, yes this is a short blog and Im unbelievably TIRED right now so I cant write down everything I need to say. School is about to start this week so Im excited about that too. PACN practices are going to be starting as soon as it can and Sportsfest is this coming weekend. I wont be able to be in charge of anything of Sportsfest this year because of work and school but I will most definitely be around.

I cant say too much on my personal thoughts; I guess Im really tired. It was nice hearing from you. Its been awhile than from what were used to. Thanks; I know well be ok. Sorry to all my readers; this one is a short blog.

Not the most exciting week; but nonetheless I still made good time. Trying to stay productive.

So Monday was a really nice day; I just chilled at home back in Victorville. I finally got to relax over break. It was actually finals week but I finished all my finals early so I pretty much got an extra week off than everybody else. Not the best of quarters, in fact I could probably say it was my worst quarter ever in college. But you know how it is; they say your third year is probably your hardest year. UGH but we shall see how next year turns up.

Alright so my sprained leg situation. Its gotten a lot better. I was able to walk on it after a couple of days. Theres still a really nasty bruise there; really sick. But its going away slowly. It is still somewhat swollen, or maybe my feet are oblong? That would suck… anyways; it does still hurt, probably because I havent been doing much to let it heal. But at least I can now exercise again. So Im not complaining too much. I cant really bend it too far just yet, but as far as walking and running, its still in top shape. Thank goodness. I could finally start training again.

So Tuesday I went to Pomona. I hung out with Christie and I GOT MY EARS PIERCED. Whaaat? Who would have thought right? Well Ive always wanted to get them re-pierced; its just over break I finally got the urge too. So I did. It didnt hurt too much, but it was all fun when Christie totally videotaped me while getting them done. I really wanted to get some black ones; that would have matched the look that Im going for. BUT unfortunately, we had a limited selection and I had to get diamonds. I mean its not bad; but it doesnt really fit my style. My parents dont know yet, in fact they didnt even notice. ROCK ON haha. Anyways, Im going to have to wait about six weeks until I can switch them out. Im probably going to do it earlier though; is that a good idea? Anyways, so I got them done at Clairs at West Covina Mall, then we went to Target, Islands, and back to school. I went to study session for a little bit then decided to head back up to Victorville. I actually got a lot of work done; I finished my project that was due for accounting. Im pretty satisfied with it; I think it turned out great. I felt bad later on that night because Mark needed a place to sleep over but I wasnt home; I think he got to chill at Frois for the night so it was all good. Im worried about my Ading, I hope hes doing well in school.

Anyways, the next day I had to print out my project. I had to get ink and all these other materials for it. I went to office max and got everything I needed. None of the printers back at the house could actually print my stuff so I had to head all the way back to Pomona just to print my project. I had to turn it in the next day anyways so it wasnt too big of a problem. It felt really good finishing my project up early and having the rest of week to relax and chill. Mark ended up calling me up because he stayed the whole night at study sessions for his finals; so I let him take a nap at my apartment after his final. Im a pretty good Kuya if you ask me, I wonder if Im going to get Kuya of the year again? Probably not, nobody really sees what I do; its all good though.

Alright, so Ive come to the conclusion that I really want to graduate by the end of next year. SO I really need to get back on track. Im going to go crazy next year with classes. Im talking about twenty unit quarters and everything. Barkada is probably a no. I wont be around for that at all. Maybe once in awhile, but Ive got to stay away from that. Im thinking of rushing for DSP, the frat that Christie is in. Its actually not that expensive so it shouldnt be a problem. It is a business Frat so its definitely a plus for me. So, next year is going to be crazy; just gotta prep up for it. I need an internship too. And then theres senior project. Oh yes, Im going to be quite busy. I really do need to graduate though.

So my family except for my brother and I are going to Boston. How fun. Too bad I couldnt go because of work; its alright though. Im going to be spending a lot of time with friends over break so Im excited for that. AND Ill have the house all to myself haha. PARTY. No just kidding. But Im most definitely going to be going out a lot over break. OH so my plans that were supposed to happen on Friday were cancelled; its ok, I was promised wed chill another time. Ivan called me up on Friday to chill, so I did that instead. It was cool catching up, this time he wasnt sick and dying. We just killed some time before the night festivities. I ended up going to Irvine to visit Karla. Partied with a new group of people. They were fun; did some things that I normally wouldnt, but I still had a good time. It was quite the experience. Dont worry, I didnt do anything crazy.

ALRIGHT, so Hollister totally got mad at me about my earrings. Im not surprised. I had to change my availability for next quarter; something tells me Im not going to be getting a lot of hours for awhile. I couldnt take off my earrings because I did just get them in; but Im going to have to take them off as soon as I can. Hollister is really busy now that its Spring Break. Its ridiculous.

So today was really boring. With my Mom and Sister in Boston, my brother in Orange County, and my Dad just getting home from work there wasnt much to do. I was going to go to Corona to hang out with the cousins and the family at a party; but that was cancelled since everybody went to their other familys side. SO I literally just chilled at home all day for Easter. I was hoping for a feast haha. Oh well, Im sure Im going to have better experiences in the future as always. My dad will be going to Boston tomorrow, Im going to have to drop him off at the airport. Spring break has a lot of things planned, camping is just one of them.

So I started a new song. Its called Never Again by Justin Timberlake. Honestly, I get emotional playing it. But thats the amazing thing about music; you should play all the time. When youre happy, sad, mad, or whatever emotion your feeling; you can always express it in music. Then again, you could always do that in any form of art. I choose to do it through music. My skills are getting better since the New Year. Im feeling really proud of myself. Anyways, yes, so that was my week. But there are a couple of things Im going to reflect on…

Anyways, so my process is progressing. I learned a lot this week and experienced a lot. I learned something about my family; in fact I learned that they even discussed it for a short time. I didnt learn that much but it really scares me. I almost took a giant step forward and I was ready to do so. But since plans were cancelled maybe God was telling me not yet. Me and Karla had a deep conversation about everything and our lives. I realize that I do deserve better. I am being the bigger man about it; Ill always be there for her even though she wont try her best to be there for me. She told me she doesnt do the best friend thing with people shes dated; its totally understandable. I guess Im putting that thing behind; I wouldnt want that to bring me down and my relationship with her. I just want to be really good friends to say the very least. Its great to know we are. Maybe she doesnt see me the way I see her, but at least I know that Im important in her life. All I can do is support her and be happy for her; which I am. I never want to hurt her again; and she feels the exact way towards me. I do love her, not like in love love; more like family. Anyways, Ill always be there for her; with the familiar saying [no matter what]. I really do hope that her next one is better than me; just as long as she doesnt regret us. OH Im not talking about Karla by the way haha. Anyways, Im progressing more and more with my process. Oh good luck to me… the way I was living before didnt work, so I should just take a risk and try something new. But its great to know Ill have certain friends to fall back on. Thanks.

By the way readers [if I have any], if youre wondering what Im talking about and were good friends; talk to me. Well grab dinner and Ill tell you my story.

Were acting ridiculous; we need to stop. But never forget what we had, and never forget Ill be there for you [not matter what]. I do love you [so much]. Not like before; but you are most definitely one of the most important people in my life…

Another week, another week. This week wasnt that exciting; except it was the last week of school.

To start off the week, I got a haircut. I wasnt lying when I said last week that I was planning to get a trim. WELL, I told the lady that I was planning to grow my hair out and I even showed her a picture of how I wanted it to be sort of like in the end. She saw and gave the advice to just texturize your hair instead of cutting it. She said that it would take away the poofy look on me and allow me to do stuff with it. So I decided to give it a try and see how it works. I told her that I dont like my back long so she cut it for me. IN THE END, I do like my hair. Its looking pretty good, I just got a lot of growing to go through still. I could do stuff with it like style it and people are noticing that its looking cool. Good plan good plan.

I sprained my ankle on Tuesday. UGH. Ive never had to go to anything for a sprained angle, broken leg, or whatever. I wasnt even going to go to the health center but when people in the API started noticing that it was swelling up I decided to walk there with Ian to get it checked up. No X-rays were needed; the doctor just wrapped it up and told me to do some exercises. I neglected to do them the whole week though. It was cool though because I feel completely healed after a couple of days; I could even walk on it now. BUT the second day it was hurting like CRAZY. I asked my parents to get me crutches but when they finally came in, I didnt need them anymore. GO figure! So yeah, I guess theres a first time for everything. Its still a little swollen and theres a huge bruise on it; it looks really gross. Im sure it will go away soon.

Mark came over a couple of times this week; mostly because of the late night practices. I dont mind; after all he is my ading. Anyways, its always cool chilling with him cause like I said before both of us are getting more and more busy. After all he has b.MOD and, well, Im going through a lot of changes…

This week was the last week of PACN practices until the new quarter starts. So if Im right it was our second and third practice. Its actually looking really good; I think I have to be stricter next quarter. Unfortunately, we dont have that much time left before PACN comes after we come back. I still have acting practice to do as well; and thats not even including sportsfest! OH its going to be a crazy spring quarter once again… But my practices are going to become more strict for sure, we have to keep going and going; stay on track.

OH so its finals week now; lucky for me I finished early. I just wanted to get this quarter finished already. It most definitely was not one of my best quarters; in fact I could honestly say that it was probably one of my worst quarters. My final for IBM ended up being a B but I needed and A in order to get an A in the class. Boo. My accounting cumulative final was just horrible. I dont even want to go into detail; lets just hope for a curve! Didnt get the A I wanted in IBM and ACC is just horrible. Tennis class Im probably going to get a B and my lab class the same thing. I still have one more project to finish by next Friday but its already looking good. We already have all the necessary things we need to finish. Im just waiting for the rest of my group to turn in their parts of the project.

So to just say some things off topic, Im thinking of piercing my ears over break. Seriously. Ive always thought about it but never actually got the urge to just go out and do it. I have the urge now; like I said, changes. I think itll look cool. Who knows, I dont want anything crazy but if I dont like it I could just close it back up right? Not plugs; ouch thats permanent and looks like it hurts. Both ears though. AND I dont want diamonds; Im aiming for more of that punker look. Im so not a punker though haha. Another thing off topic are my resolutions. I think my sprained ankle totally screwed me over this week. I only worked out twice this week and I havent been able to practice piano too much. UGH. I hope its not going to slow me down. I found out when I went to the health center that I lost fifteen pounds since the new year. Im really proud of myself… gotta keep shedding those pounds though. OH I want to start my new sheet music soon; Im just about finished with BECAUSE OF YOU. So the new one I want to start is Until the End of Time by Justin Timberlake. It sounds awesome on the piano. Anyways, Im probably not going to start it for another couple of weeks… well see how that goes.

So Ive always liked the idea of coming back different. What do I mean by that? Well for vacations and MIA times, I like coming back different then how I left. So when people see me again theyll be all like WOW you look different. Or WOW youve changed. But always for better. Thats why I want to get pierced ears and go through some training over break. So that when I come back Ill look somewhat different then how I looked when I left. Hopefully that goes well.

I chilled at Calebs last night. A LOT of fun. I finally got to play Brawl. Crazy game. Im actually challenged by it since Im not that good at it. I really want to play again when I have time. Lots of new characters and the controls are crazy. Haha, alright, thats enough with sounding like a gamer when I really dont play games that often.

So I missed a couple of things here in Victorville. Apparently it snowed here yesterday. UGH I missed it; it always snows like once a year here. Ah well, the rest of the family didnt get to see it either except for my Dad. Anyways for the weeks to come I have a lot of things that Im excited for… Jowees big birthday. Camping up in San Diego! Sounds like a lot of fun; Ill have to let you guys know how it goes later. Jaimies birthday is coming up too, she has plenty of plans over break. And another big thing for me is possibly this Friday… whats happening? Youll find out… maybe. Im nervous, scared, anxious, excited, and every other weird possible emotion. Its going to be awkward at first; but everybody has to go through it sometime. Maybe Ill find something unexpected. First big step of my process. Haha…

Im sorry, I just might end up disappointing you even though you said youd be happy for me… Im scared about that probably the most…