What a week…

Its been so crazy this past week. Ive been packed with school work and I feel like Im busier than ever even though Im taking a huge break from the whole Barkada thing. Im still keeping up with my resolutions for the most part; getting back in shape in particular.

Still. Ive had a rough week. I had a special talk with a friend a couple of days ago; I got really emotional. Lets just say I was able to clear a lot of things up. I learned a lot about myself. I guess. Still, I continually feel like Ive done something wrong, and Im still doing something wrong. I feel like I make all the mistakes, every problem there was; I feel like I made every problem. I can deny it as much as I want, but the feeling still comes back. Even when Im not expecting it, it tears me apart in just a few unexpecting minutes. At least I gave everything; at least I know that I could have given the whole world. I gave away my most sentimental item I own to somebody very important to me. It was really hard for me to do; but it had to be done. I feel naked without it everyday. I hope that person always takes care of it… Im almost there.

Im going to try not to think about it as much anymore. This weekend has been AWESOME so far. Talk about reunions and meeting new people. SO I heard from three old friends this week; and hung out with one of them. I hung out with Caleb and plan to hit up Ivan and Grace sometime this week when I get the chance. Its amazing how much people change in just a few years; I know my whole group has gone through changes. This past weekend I actually went to a party with some 909 people. Met some really cool cats. I had a lot of fun celebrating Irishs birthday. I drank a tad bit; good times though. Johns Incredible Pizza was fun, but the after party was even better. Karaoke, chillin, I brought my Ive Never board game. It was a chill party but still I made some new friends. The next day I headed back to Victorville and hung out with Caleb; we went to chill at Starbucks and then to Jorells party. I havent seen that guys in years either; must have been since high school. Seriously, to name some of the people Ive met and heard from this past week that I havent in years include Lynne, Caleb, Jorell, Christine, Ivan, Grace… definitely all fun though. Now that I technically should have more time, I could catch up with all of them. I still need to drop by Gretas to see the new baby; before it gets older! I had a good talk with JoJo at her party; always a cool person to hang out with.

My life is going through a lot of changes right now. Im meeting so many new people and at the same time meeting up with so many old friends. Ive missed out from these past two years; not that I regret any of it though.

Im heading in a new direction in life and Im just prepping the big news. Im not going to leave this whole Barkada life, I know theyll always be there.

I know it doesnt seem like it, but Im not happy in life right now; in fact Im very sad. It just gets harder and harder everyday for me to get up and stay focused. I need a reason to be happy; the number one reason why I was happy is now gone, in a sense.

I wish you could be my reason again. Im the reason Im still holding on, youve already let me go… what if I find somebody else? Would I be able to do it? I dont want to hurt you, but I want to be happy. Would you be hurt if I found somebody? Would it make you happy? Im still always concerned about how you think… are you even concerned about how I feel? Or is it if Im happy, youll be happy for me? I never want to hurt you again…

… something unexpected happened this weekend. NOTHING serious, just ask, and Ill tell.